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| He's got all the pieces, but they just don't add up right |
This weekend was fourth round FA Cup weekend, and gave us the opportunity to remember that ITV can be just as shit at commentary as the BBC can. Well done ITV. The weekend's FA cup highlights were presented by the curious face of Matt Smith, of whom all the pieces are slightly the wrong size, as if put together with bodyparts from a variety of different people. Clark Carlise and Gordon Strachan, his co-pundits, were excellent however, Carlise in particular, impressively using such words as 'potency' and 'exquisite' - descriptions not often used, or understood, by footballers.
'The game plan was always to stay in the game' - Vital
'They made it very very difficult today' - They are a dirty team and fouled us loads.
'The goalkeeper has been beaten all ends up!' - The goalkeeper made a fool or himself and/or the ball was struck very hard
'He's opted for the direct approach.' - He's panicked and blindly hoofed the ball upfield.
'You've got to play against Stoke' - As opposed to dancing against them? Singing?
'He's really got to bomb on from there' - He must run faster. Only wingers or full-backs can ever 'bomb on'
'He's got a spicy reception today' - 30,000 people are calling him a cunt.
'It was a team that I put out to win the game, and up until the 80th minute, they were successfully doing that' - We lost.
'It's a throwback to the heyday of yesteryear!' - A footballer has done something sportsmanlike, such as not kicking a ballboy, or diving.
'The panic button has been pushed.' - The owner has sacked a manager very soon after appointing him, in order to look like he knows what he's doing.
'The young lads are doing a lot of running but the ball's just not running for them' - The team are running around like idiots and panicking.
'What are the positives of Man United's win, Michael?' 'The 3 points' - Michael Owen proves he is as sharp on the pundits couch as he was in the penalty box.
'That was decadent stuff!' - The player just pulled off a nice piece of skill.
And some recent gems from the ladyfriend . . .
'Brian McDermott looks like he's just got off a market stall. Mangoes, two for a paaaand!' - Lady friend thinks Brian McDermott looks like a market trader.
Me - 'Do you remember that man?'
Her - 'Ummm . . . '
Me - 'You said once that he looked like Angelina Jolie.'
Her - 'Oh yes! Yes stick a black wig on him and you've got Jolie when she's 50.'
Upon seeing Alan Pardew.
(In a sing-song voice) 'He's almost black, he's almost black, Chris Houghtoooon . . . he's-not-quite-black.'
'Snodgrass?! That's like a name from a Just William book.'
Upon seeing a defending player in a free kick wall get penalized for knocking it with his hand 'Why has he got a yellow card?! If anything he was knocking the ball AWAY from goal . . . wait . . . that came out wrong.'
'Oh look, more black armbands! Somebodies cat must've died.'
'Urgh look, there's so many crevices in his face, I can't concentrate on him, it's ridiculous.' Looking at Harry Redknapp.
