Solid

A solid collection of commentating garbage from this weekend. A nice 7/10. Top, top work, as a member of the Redknapp family might say.

'There's Louis Arteta!' - John Motson continues his descent into senility.

'On another day, Villa might have got a point' - Alan Shearer ponders the quantum theory of football.

'He's a good forager' - This player is quick to see an opportunity to score a goal. He does not collect nuts and berries.

'That's a tasty elbow' - This player has craftily poked his elbow into the face of an opponent to put him off. The actual elbow has no flavour at all.

'A tackle as clean as a whistle.' - A good tackle.

'Wigan asking some serious questions now' - Wigan are playing better and look likely to score. They are not asking their opponents what the cube root of 369 is, nor are they asking what the population density per km squared is in Zanzibar.

'Di Santo couldn't quite grow enough.' - Di Santo couldn't quite jump high enough to head the ball. Di Santo is already a fully grown man.

'When he hits it, they stay hit!' - He has hit the ball very hard. It remains hit, until gravity and wind resistence bring it to a halt. It does not defy the laws of physics.

'Running the channels' - Moving within a vague and undefined area on the flanks of the final third of the pitch in order to seek space.

And some more quotes from the girlfriend -

'Samba! That has got to be a black man's name.'

'Put it in! That was BULLSHIT!'

'Run at it! Fucking scare them that they are going to get hurt!'

Football me 'till I SQUIRT

There is no escape from football at the moment. The knockout phases of both the Champions League and the Europa League are in full swing, as well as FA Cup and League Cup shenanigans. The exasperated cries of womenfolk are heard throughout the land 'Not ANOTHER match?!'

Don't fight it. Nobody can stop it. Football is upon us, like a crushing stampede of sport, and who are the cattle rangers driving this? Clive Tyldsley and Andy Townsend. There is no hope. No hope at all. We've died inside. Grey and worthless, the senseless noise of Townsend fills our ears, and we die inside.

'If anything Clive, I've commentated TOO well'

'Baines is more of a floater' - An unpleasant image for all concerned.

'They write their own stories here!' - My own misguided view of how the game was to pan out has proved to be remarkably innacurate.

'There is a corporate determination now about Blackburn Rovers'

'Arsenal are penetrated!' - More unpleasantness.

'That's a big diagonal!' - Having diagonals too small would be most unwise.

'This is the ball on the other foot now!' - Townsend mixes his metaphors to produce some bizarre offspring.

'Put it in there, get people around it, make people uncomfortable' - Andy lets us in on another tactical masterclass.

'Just how fit is John Terry after his abscence . . .  well, he's come up for this corner.' - Professional athlete jogs 30 yards, Clive Tyldesley is impressed

'Good shot . . . he missed the target.' - So it's not really a good shot is it Ian Wright? It's more of a shit shot.

'Chelsea are knocking at the door, which they have done all afternoon . . . at intervals'

'Ironically, it's a long-ball up' - Andy Townsend gets confused about irony. Again.

'It's all about taking your chances at this level' - Unlike at say, league 2 level, where it's all about plaiting hair and training weasels

'Chelsea haven't exactly pulled up any trees here' - Chelsea have not been impressive so far.

'They can be amongst the goals, pretty quickly, they are that sort of team' - They are able to score quickly. It is always a good thing to be 'amongst the goals', even 'early doors'

'Arsenal's mountain just got a little bit taller' - Arsenal have conceded very early in a tough match. Again.

'That's a nonsense goal' - That was fucking shite from the defending team and even I could do better

'It was a tester for Lahm' - That was a difficult situation for Lahm to deal with, but he did ok.

'If anything, he hits it TOO well, Clive' -100% classic Townsend. He hasn't hit it too well Andy! He's done exactly the opposite of hitting it too well! He's hit it too badly, and it's been saved/missed.

'Arsenal are staring down the barrel of a gun again' - Arsenal are on the verge of losing heavily. They will not actually be executed in any way.

'On his left foot there, taking the shot . . . and there's no real pedigree there' - He is shit on his left foot

European Football A-go-go

THE BIGGEST MATCH IN THE UNIVERSE, this week, with the first leg of Real Madrid Vs Manchester United. FOOTBALL! EUROPEAN! 1ST LEG AHGRHGRH. It was literally so exciting the media could not spin it up with enough hyperbole. Pants were wetted. They had run out of words.

The commentators however, being the cunning old pros that they are, certainly hadn't. Oh no my friend. They took mere words, and sounds, and conjured them into a beautiful mosaic of noise, painting a picture in our brains. Clive Tyldesley and Andy Townsend. How can we mortals fathom such genius? We can't. To try it to is to blaspheme. We can only bow down and let it wash over us, as grateful as a worm for the cold embrace of the soil.

Talented prick

'That was an educated ball forward' - That was a good pass

'Neil Lennon's done something different tonight, they've asked questions of Juventus, and most of them have registered.' - Neil Lennon has planned his tactics well. Even though they lost 3-0.

'Neil Lennon's been chatting to Capello and Roy Hodgson. He's been taking it in. He's a learner!' - A man?! Learning things?! With his brain?! WHAT A PONCE.

'He's got NO RIGHT to save that!' - The goalkeeper has pulled off a good save, rights or no.

'Wellbeck pulls off Ramos' - A classic from Townsend.

'Sergio Ramos is a provocative player' - I think he is a bit of a cunt but I cannot say that live on ITV.

'He's started to make Manchester United dance to his tune' - He is playing well.

'Andre Villas Boas - i'm glad to see he's giving this competition the respect it is due' - Andy Townsend discussing the well known media-invented problem of AVB 'disrespecting' certain competitions, like the F.A. Cup, because he is a foreigner who doesn't understand our ways. Even though Andy Townsend clearly thinks the Europa League is a pile of shit.

'Malbranque between the legs of Adebayor . . . he would have enjoyed that' - Tyldesley conjures up an unwanted and disturbing image.

Low Buzz Count

Bit of a low buzz count over the last couple of weeks. Perhaps the cold is freezing up the buzz-nodes in the brains of the football commentators, but there has been precious few examples of commentating foolery recently. I cannot imagine this situation will last very long.

"Oh bugger"

'He's idling with intent' - He's goalhanging

'Now they have to do it the hard way!' - The favourite team have let one or more goals in to supposedly inferior opposition.

'He had the confidence to take it on' - He's a greedy bugger

'They are an honest and determined team' - They are dirty and attempt to kick their opponents off the park

'He's very competitive' - He will foul more skillful players mercilessly

And a selection of more golden quotes from the girlfriend -

'Yes! Hit it as hard as you can, THAT is how you play a game with a ball. Just like snooker.' - Upon seeing a free kick hit really hard and blazed over the bar.

'Maybe they're trained like soldiers, you know, indoctrinated - when they see a goal, they can't help but put a ball in it.' - After seeing Gareth Barry pass a ball accurately into his own net.

'Fucking close him down you cocksuckers!'  - Getting overexcited after a player runs past two others and gets a shot off

'Hi Roy! Aww, it's like he doesn't know where he is.' - After seeing a confused looking Roy Hodgson in the crowd for a game.

'Urgh, why do you want to touch him, he's all spangly' - After someone hugs Peter Crouch.