Blart blart

Before we proceed with the new season, we have something from the archives - a long lost unpublished post with a wide variety of nonsense, fished out from the depths of the blogging drawer, where it had got lost behind a stapler and pack of polos. Enjoy.

Clive Tyldesley - molester of ears

'I think he's a top, top player.' - Andy Townsend on Cristano Ronaldo.

'He's not going to find that too easy, as Danny Wellbeck is going to be staring him straight in the face!'- Danny Wellbecks' face puts people off.

'If (Real Madrid) they score tonight, Manchester United will probably have to win this game to progress.' - No shit Clive Tyldesley.

'He looks like a second-string goalkeeper to me.' - What Andy Townsend is really thinking : I don't know who he is, and I don't care for the way his shirt is untucked.
'Well, he has played 50 times in Europe' - I know more than you Andy, replies Clive.

'He's got blatant pace, Clive' - He's so fast you can notice how fast he is.

'He's put a little bit too much steam on it' - The pass was overhit

'Defenders don't like guys who get in the six-yard box and score goals.' - They are just the worst!

'Robin Van Persie has done a passable impression of a newborn giraffe who couldn't work it's legs out.' - Robin Van Persie fell over.

'Jose Enrique is doing the front crawl trying to get to that.' - Jose Enrique is running fast and waving his arms

'He presented it on a silver platter for his teammate, but he just wasn't eating.' - The teammate messed up a simple goal scoring opportunity despite a good pass.

'McAnuff has been teasing Matt Lowton for the last five minutes.' - Not worth thinking about too much this one, dirty.

Gary Lineker -'Why did Villa come out on top Alan?'
Alan Hansen - 'Well, for a start, Villa were the better side.' - Alan nails it.

'If you cannot defend properly, you are in massive trouble, especially if you're near the bottom of the table.' - Hansen again. You don't need to defend properly if you are at the top of the table, obviously.

New Season - 2013/2014

Once more the football season descends upon us, like an orgy of overripe maidens, tearing at our clothes with their footbally goodness, desperate to suckle at the teats of our viewership. After the climax of the orgasmic transfer window in which Bale finally made his tedious move and the Ozil transfer provided some genuine interest, we find ourselves left with the sour taste of the addict, unable to tear away, desperate for more, yet hating ourselves even as we do so.

"His face literally makes me want to vomit, then force him to eat it"

- Dame Judi Dench, on Robbie Savage, 2013

News on this years pundit lineup on BBC One’s Match of The Day first brought us hopeful joy, only to swiftly shatter it with the sledgehammer of despair shortly after – we learnt in August that Alan Hansen will be retiring at the end of the season, with Mark Lawrenson also reducing his duties – followed by the news that floppy-haired nothing Robbie Savage, the wardrobe inspiration for interior decorators UK-wide, will be joined by Michael ‘one day I will have an opinion’ Owen. God save us. It’s like being rescued from the Titanic by a ship that is taking you directly to Auschwitz. I may or may not have my time periods confused here. That is for you to decide. 

 'Playing at this level, you have to take your chances' - Yes Lee Dixon. Unlike at League 1 level, where you can completley ignore the opportunity to score goals, and win by playing the best hand of Bridge.

'He has got a goal in him' - This player can score goals. His body does not literally contain a net and a set of posts in a tardis-esque fashion.

'This fixture was always about the result, the outcome' - Unlike all the other fixtures, where it doesn't matter who wins.

'Ironically, their strength could turn out to be one of their weaknesses' - An absolute belter from Sir Alan of Shearer.

'Arsenal struggle without the ball' - Despite having the 2nd best defence last season?

'They dig in when they are under the cosh' - Alan again, murdering some more metaphors.

And a special section from the goldmine of guff that is the one-man nonsense machine, Brendan Rogers.

'We have a way to win games other than just playing football.' - Mind literally blown.

'Football is very much about opinion' - I thought it was very much about scoring and preventing goals?

'Our perception is what we think about ourselves.' - Brendan Rogers, dictionary for hire.

And a select few of the girlfriend's observations on the first few weeks of the new season - 

'I'm sorry, 97 minutes?! Why isn't this match finishing . . . fuck off!' - Getting annoyed at the amount of added time 

'Malky Mackay?! Are you kidding me . . . don't be a twat. Your name's just fucking Malcolm, deal with it.' - On seeing the Cardiff manager.

'Pellegrini?! Haha, that's just a type of fancy water isn't it?' - On seeing the new Manchester City boss for the first time.

'Uhh, his eyes, don't look at his eyes. He's like the demon headmaster . . . they're milky.' - On closer inspection of the same man.

'SHOOT IT!' - getting overexcited by Arsenal dithering around on the edge of the box again.

'Ugh, everybodies numbers are way too high these days. I mean, look there, number 39 . . . fuck off' - Disgusted by players with high numbers on the back of their shirts.