Blart blart

Before we proceed with the new season, we have something from the archives - a long lost unpublished post with a wide variety of nonsense, fished out from the depths of the blogging drawer, where it had got lost behind a stapler and pack of polos. Enjoy.

Clive Tyldesley - molester of ears

'I think he's a top, top player.' - Andy Townsend on Cristano Ronaldo.

'He's not going to find that too easy, as Danny Wellbeck is going to be staring him straight in the face!'- Danny Wellbecks' face puts people off.

'If (Real Madrid) they score tonight, Manchester United will probably have to win this game to progress.' - No shit Clive Tyldesley.

'He looks like a second-string goalkeeper to me.' - What Andy Townsend is really thinking : I don't know who he is, and I don't care for the way his shirt is untucked.
'Well, he has played 50 times in Europe' - I know more than you Andy, replies Clive.

'He's got blatant pace, Clive' - He's so fast you can notice how fast he is.

'He's put a little bit too much steam on it' - The pass was overhit

'Defenders don't like guys who get in the six-yard box and score goals.' - They are just the worst!

'Robin Van Persie has done a passable impression of a newborn giraffe who couldn't work it's legs out.' - Robin Van Persie fell over.

'Jose Enrique is doing the front crawl trying to get to that.' - Jose Enrique is running fast and waving his arms

'He presented it on a silver platter for his teammate, but he just wasn't eating.' - The teammate messed up a simple goal scoring opportunity despite a good pass.

'McAnuff has been teasing Matt Lowton for the last five minutes.' - Not worth thinking about too much this one, dirty.

Gary Lineker -'Why did Villa come out on top Alan?'
Alan Hansen - 'Well, for a start, Villa were the better side.' - Alan nails it.

'If you cannot defend properly, you are in massive trouble, especially if you're near the bottom of the table.' - Hansen again. You don't need to defend properly if you are at the top of the table, obviously.

New Season - 2013/2014

Once more the football season descends upon us, like an orgy of overripe maidens, tearing at our clothes with their footbally goodness, desperate to suckle at the teats of our viewership. After the climax of the orgasmic transfer window in which Bale finally made his tedious move and the Ozil transfer provided some genuine interest, we find ourselves left with the sour taste of the addict, unable to tear away, desperate for more, yet hating ourselves even as we do so.

"His face literally makes me want to vomit, then force him to eat it"

- Dame Judi Dench, on Robbie Savage, 2013

News on this years pundit lineup on BBC One’s Match of The Day first brought us hopeful joy, only to swiftly shatter it with the sledgehammer of despair shortly after – we learnt in August that Alan Hansen will be retiring at the end of the season, with Mark Lawrenson also reducing his duties – followed by the news that floppy-haired nothing Robbie Savage, the wardrobe inspiration for interior decorators UK-wide, will be joined by Michael ‘one day I will have an opinion’ Owen. God save us. It’s like being rescued from the Titanic by a ship that is taking you directly to Auschwitz. I may or may not have my time periods confused here. That is for you to decide. 

 'Playing at this level, you have to take your chances' - Yes Lee Dixon. Unlike at League 1 level, where you can completley ignore the opportunity to score goals, and win by playing the best hand of Bridge.

'He has got a goal in him' - This player can score goals. His body does not literally contain a net and a set of posts in a tardis-esque fashion.

'This fixture was always about the result, the outcome' - Unlike all the other fixtures, where it doesn't matter who wins.

'Ironically, their strength could turn out to be one of their weaknesses' - An absolute belter from Sir Alan of Shearer.

'Arsenal struggle without the ball' - Despite having the 2nd best defence last season?

'They dig in when they are under the cosh' - Alan again, murdering some more metaphors.

And a special section from the goldmine of guff that is the one-man nonsense machine, Brendan Rogers.

'We have a way to win games other than just playing football.' - Mind literally blown.

'Football is very much about opinion' - I thought it was very much about scoring and preventing goals?

'Our perception is what we think about ourselves.' - Brendan Rogers, dictionary for hire.

And a select few of the girlfriend's observations on the first few weeks of the new season - 

'I'm sorry, 97 minutes?! Why isn't this match finishing . . . fuck off!' - Getting annoyed at the amount of added time 

'Malky Mackay?! Are you kidding me . . . don't be a twat. Your name's just fucking Malcolm, deal with it.' - On seeing the Cardiff manager.

'Pellegrini?! Haha, that's just a type of fancy water isn't it?' - On seeing the new Manchester City boss for the first time.

'Uhh, his eyes, don't look at his eyes. He's like the demon headmaster . . . they're milky.' - On closer inspection of the same man.

'SHOOT IT!' - getting overexcited by Arsenal dithering around on the edge of the box again.

'Ugh, everybodies numbers are way too high these days. I mean, look there, number 39 . . . fuck off' - Disgusted by players with high numbers on the back of their shirts.

Solid

A solid collection of commentating garbage from this weekend. A nice 7/10. Top, top work, as a member of the Redknapp family might say.

'There's Louis Arteta!' - John Motson continues his descent into senility.

'On another day, Villa might have got a point' - Alan Shearer ponders the quantum theory of football.

'He's a good forager' - This player is quick to see an opportunity to score a goal. He does not collect nuts and berries.

'That's a tasty elbow' - This player has craftily poked his elbow into the face of an opponent to put him off. The actual elbow has no flavour at all.

'A tackle as clean as a whistle.' - A good tackle.

'Wigan asking some serious questions now' - Wigan are playing better and look likely to score. They are not asking their opponents what the cube root of 369 is, nor are they asking what the population density per km squared is in Zanzibar.

'Di Santo couldn't quite grow enough.' - Di Santo couldn't quite jump high enough to head the ball. Di Santo is already a fully grown man.

'When he hits it, they stay hit!' - He has hit the ball very hard. It remains hit, until gravity and wind resistence bring it to a halt. It does not defy the laws of physics.

'Running the channels' - Moving within a vague and undefined area on the flanks of the final third of the pitch in order to seek space.

And some more quotes from the girlfriend -

'Samba! That has got to be a black man's name.'

'Put it in! That was BULLSHIT!'

'Run at it! Fucking scare them that they are going to get hurt!'

Football me 'till I SQUIRT

There is no escape from football at the moment. The knockout phases of both the Champions League and the Europa League are in full swing, as well as FA Cup and League Cup shenanigans. The exasperated cries of womenfolk are heard throughout the land 'Not ANOTHER match?!'

Don't fight it. Nobody can stop it. Football is upon us, like a crushing stampede of sport, and who are the cattle rangers driving this? Clive Tyldsley and Andy Townsend. There is no hope. No hope at all. We've died inside. Grey and worthless, the senseless noise of Townsend fills our ears, and we die inside.

'If anything Clive, I've commentated TOO well'

'Baines is more of a floater' - An unpleasant image for all concerned.

'They write their own stories here!' - My own misguided view of how the game was to pan out has proved to be remarkably innacurate.

'There is a corporate determination now about Blackburn Rovers'

'Arsenal are penetrated!' - More unpleasantness.

'That's a big diagonal!' - Having diagonals too small would be most unwise.

'This is the ball on the other foot now!' - Townsend mixes his metaphors to produce some bizarre offspring.

'Put it in there, get people around it, make people uncomfortable' - Andy lets us in on another tactical masterclass.

'Just how fit is John Terry after his abscence . . .  well, he's come up for this corner.' - Professional athlete jogs 30 yards, Clive Tyldesley is impressed

'Good shot . . . he missed the target.' - So it's not really a good shot is it Ian Wright? It's more of a shit shot.

'Chelsea are knocking at the door, which they have done all afternoon . . . at intervals'

'Ironically, it's a long-ball up' - Andy Townsend gets confused about irony. Again.

'It's all about taking your chances at this level' - Unlike at say, league 2 level, where it's all about plaiting hair and training weasels

'Chelsea haven't exactly pulled up any trees here' - Chelsea have not been impressive so far.

'They can be amongst the goals, pretty quickly, they are that sort of team' - They are able to score quickly. It is always a good thing to be 'amongst the goals', even 'early doors'

'Arsenal's mountain just got a little bit taller' - Arsenal have conceded very early in a tough match. Again.

'That's a nonsense goal' - That was fucking shite from the defending team and even I could do better

'It was a tester for Lahm' - That was a difficult situation for Lahm to deal with, but he did ok.

'If anything, he hits it TOO well, Clive' -100% classic Townsend. He hasn't hit it too well Andy! He's done exactly the opposite of hitting it too well! He's hit it too badly, and it's been saved/missed.

'Arsenal are staring down the barrel of a gun again' - Arsenal are on the verge of losing heavily. They will not actually be executed in any way.

'On his left foot there, taking the shot . . . and there's no real pedigree there' - He is shit on his left foot

European Football A-go-go

THE BIGGEST MATCH IN THE UNIVERSE, this week, with the first leg of Real Madrid Vs Manchester United. FOOTBALL! EUROPEAN! 1ST LEG AHGRHGRH. It was literally so exciting the media could not spin it up with enough hyperbole. Pants were wetted. They had run out of words.

The commentators however, being the cunning old pros that they are, certainly hadn't. Oh no my friend. They took mere words, and sounds, and conjured them into a beautiful mosaic of noise, painting a picture in our brains. Clive Tyldesley and Andy Townsend. How can we mortals fathom such genius? We can't. To try it to is to blaspheme. We can only bow down and let it wash over us, as grateful as a worm for the cold embrace of the soil.

Talented prick

'That was an educated ball forward' - That was a good pass

'Neil Lennon's done something different tonight, they've asked questions of Juventus, and most of them have registered.' - Neil Lennon has planned his tactics well. Even though they lost 3-0.

'Neil Lennon's been chatting to Capello and Roy Hodgson. He's been taking it in. He's a learner!' - A man?! Learning things?! With his brain?! WHAT A PONCE.

'He's got NO RIGHT to save that!' - The goalkeeper has pulled off a good save, rights or no.

'Wellbeck pulls off Ramos' - A classic from Townsend.

'Sergio Ramos is a provocative player' - I think he is a bit of a cunt but I cannot say that live on ITV.

'He's started to make Manchester United dance to his tune' - He is playing well.

'Andre Villas Boas - i'm glad to see he's giving this competition the respect it is due' - Andy Townsend discussing the well known media-invented problem of AVB 'disrespecting' certain competitions, like the F.A. Cup, because he is a foreigner who doesn't understand our ways. Even though Andy Townsend clearly thinks the Europa League is a pile of shit.

'Malbranque between the legs of Adebayor . . . he would have enjoyed that' - Tyldesley conjures up an unwanted and disturbing image.

Low Buzz Count

Bit of a low buzz count over the last couple of weeks. Perhaps the cold is freezing up the buzz-nodes in the brains of the football commentators, but there has been precious few examples of commentating foolery recently. I cannot imagine this situation will last very long.

"Oh bugger"

'He's idling with intent' - He's goalhanging

'Now they have to do it the hard way!' - The favourite team have let one or more goals in to supposedly inferior opposition.

'He had the confidence to take it on' - He's a greedy bugger

'They are an honest and determined team' - They are dirty and attempt to kick their opponents off the park

'He's very competitive' - He will foul more skillful players mercilessly

And a selection of more golden quotes from the girlfriend -

'Yes! Hit it as hard as you can, THAT is how you play a game with a ball. Just like snooker.' - Upon seeing a free kick hit really hard and blazed over the bar.

'Maybe they're trained like soldiers, you know, indoctrinated - when they see a goal, they can't help but put a ball in it.' - After seeing Gareth Barry pass a ball accurately into his own net.

'Fucking close him down you cocksuckers!'  - Getting overexcited after a player runs past two others and gets a shot off

'Hi Roy! Aww, it's like he doesn't know where he is.' - After seeing a confused looking Roy Hodgson in the crowd for a game.

'Urgh, why do you want to touch him, he's all spangly' - After someone hugs Peter Crouch.

ITV can be shit too (again)

It's been a while, but time for an update. Quite a few have been clogging up various notepads.

He's got all the pieces, but they just don't add up right

This weekend was fourth round FA Cup weekend, and gave us the opportunity to remember that ITV can be just as shit at commentary as the BBC can. Well done ITV. The weekend's FA cup highlights were presented by the curious face of Matt Smith, of whom all the pieces are slightly the wrong size, as if put together with bodyparts from a variety of different people. Clark Carlise and Gordon Strachan, his co-pundits, were excellent however, Carlise in particular, impressively using such words as 'potency' and 'exquisite' - descriptions not often used, or understood, by footballers.

'The game plan was always to stay in the game' - Vital

'They made it very very difficult today' - They are a dirty team and fouled us loads.

'The goalkeeper has been beaten all ends up!' - The goalkeeper made a fool or himself and/or the ball was struck very hard

'He's opted for the direct approach.' - He's panicked and blindly hoofed the ball upfield.

'You've got to play against Stoke' - As opposed to dancing against them? Singing?

'He's really got to bomb on from there' - He must run faster. Only wingers or full-backs can ever 'bomb on'

'He's got a spicy reception today' - 30,000 people are calling him a cunt.

'It was a team that I put out to win the game, and up until the 80th minute, they were successfully doing that' - We lost.

'It's a throwback to the heyday of yesteryear!' - A footballer has done something sportsmanlike, such as not kicking a ballboy, or diving.

'The panic button has been pushed.' - The owner has sacked a manager very soon after appointing him, in order to look like he knows what he's doing.

'The young lads are doing a lot of running but the ball's just not running for them' - The team are running around like idiots and panicking.

'What are the positives of Man United's win, Michael?' 'The 3 points' - Michael Owen proves he is as sharp on the pundits couch as he was in the penalty box.

'That was decadent stuff!' - The player just pulled off a nice piece of skill.

And some recent gems from the ladyfriend . . .

'Brian McDermott looks like he's just got off a market stall. Mangoes, two for a paaaand!' - Lady friend thinks Brian McDermott looks like a market trader.

Me - 'Do you remember that man?'
Her - 'Ummm . . . '
Me - 'You said once that he looked like Angelina Jolie.'
Her - 'Oh yes! Yes stick a black wig on him and you've got Jolie when she's 50.'
Upon seeing Alan Pardew.

(In a sing-song voice) 'He's almost black, he's almost black, Chris Houghtoooon . . . he's-not-quite-black.'

'Snodgrass?! That's like a name from a Just William book.'

Upon seeing a defending player in a free kick wall get penalized for knocking it with his hand 'Why has he got a yellow card?! If anything he was knocking the ball AWAY from goal . . . wait . . . that came out wrong.'

'Oh look, more black armbands! Somebodies cat must've died.'

'Urgh look, there's so many crevices in his face, I can't concentrate on him, it's ridiculous.' Looking at Harry Redknapp.