Steve Claridge ate my baby

Match of the Day 2 was so awful this week that my brain shut down all biological processes for its own safety, refusing to process any of what was said. For the best, as most of the program seemed to be Shearer and Murry self-abusing themselves over Robbie Savage and his flouncing around in a silk shirt on Strictly Come Dancing. If one could sit down at a table and design an event to specifically degrade the culture of a nation, it would be exactly that.

Luckily, Saturday's edition remained steady and its companion The Football League Show was ably raped by Steve Claridge, an excellent footballer but a man of a most alarming appearence - as if some wise alien race from beyond the stars has had human beings described to them, and thus attempted to create one from their bio-mulch vats without actually observing a true specimen. Everything about his face is subtly wrong and different, provoking an unnerving horror in the viewer, such as one might experience from a visitation by a dark entity from an H.P. Lovecraft novel.

Beware, for if one gazes long enough at the Steve Claridge, eventually the Steve Claridge will gaze back

'They were playing pattycake in the penalty area' - They were shoving each other about like children

'Stam is in a really menacing position' - Pretending to be a T-Rex? Prowling around like a dragon?

'If you play well, you need to put the ball in the net and take the points' - Martin Jol accurately describes the point of the game of football. Always useful when a manager knows this.

'The better players enjoy other players coming on to them' - I bet they do, Steve

'Carlton Cole went for a curler' - Conjures up unwanted images of Carlton Cole shaking like a shitting dog while attempt to squeeze out a cylindrical turd in the centre circle.

'At one-nil it's always close' - That's the sort of analysis we expect from our license fee

'You don't win game unless you keep clean sheets' - Unless of course your team should itself be fortunate enough to score more goals than the opposition; but that's rather unlikely with your teams isn't it, Mr Steve McLaren

'He loves his teams to play football' - Unlike the opposition team, who like to play Mahjong