A break from World Cup 2010 archives : Football + Girlfriend = ?

So today we are taking a quick break from delving into our World Cup 2010 archives, for an unusual commentating twist - we are taking a look at the viewpoint of my lady friend, who decided to watch the final Premier League Match of the Day of the 2012 season with me, featuring the amazing win and title victory by Manchester City. So just what DO girls think of football? If only we could ask them readers, if only they could talk. But we can't! We can never know what goes on inside their fluffy minds. They would just go mad. I did however, managed to record a number of pearls of wisdom from my female co-commentator. Enjoy.

FUCKING GET IN, YOU CUNTS!

'Oh my God! What's happened to his head? Why do Manchester City collect people who look like burns victims?' - Upon seeing Joleen Lescott for the first time, and also referring to Carlos Tevez's neck.

'Spider legs! How does he even stand up?! It makes me feel sick' - Upon seeing Peter Crouch

'Oh he's so ugly . . . we'll never win with him' - Seeing Roy Hodgson for the first time.

'Oh he's freaking me out so much, he's going to do a poo!' - Seeing Arsenal goalkeeper Szczęsny yelling loudly at his own defence in anger.

'Does he not have a wife!? Someone do his hair!' - Shocked at Roy Hodgsons messy and bedraggled appearance.

'He looks a bit like Angelina Jolie . . . if she was a little wizened old man' - analysing Alan Pardew

'Don't touch him! He's a racist . . . he'll have to wash himself now.' - watching Essien hug John Terry after JT scores a header.


'Look at him, he's like a terrier, and Carroll, he's like a St Bernard. No. More like a Doberman!' - Watching Ashley Williams kick/tackle Carroll before their little scuffle.

World Cup 2010 - Part 6

The neverending nonsense from the World Cup 2010 archives continues - there's no stopping it people!

The Jabbuthingy - vital to redesign the ball every 2 years to find new type of roundness

'His feet are sweet' - He is good at controlling the football

'He literally GREW in front of the number 9'  - He jumped higher than the other player

'The ball in was delicious' - That was a good cross

'They're not quite on the same wavelength there' - Either the passer or the reciever of the ball has fucked up - or both

'Serbia are in red, Ghana are in white' - As if you couldn't tell all the black players were from Ghana

'Team X have really given Team Y something to think about' - Team X are playing quite well, despite me saying beforehand they were rubbish

'When he hits them, they stay hit!' - He can shoot very hard

'A charming ball user' - A skilled player

"Just put it in the box, make them defend" - Attacking 101 from Mick Mcarthy

"The last thing either team want to do is lose" - Mick Mcarthy and his football philosophy

'The strikers' trying to feel him from behind, and he doesn't allow it' - The defender is making sure the striker cannot block him

"Teams win games" - Quote from Mick Mcarthy

"It's parasite football" - They are just latching on waiting for an opportunity without trying to attack (Mick Mcarthy again)

World Cup 2010 - Part 5

The torrent of shit from the World Cup archives continues to flow - there is literally no stopping it. We are now on Part 5 of our World Cup 2010 retrospective, analysing the commentating nonsense spouted during the tournament in South Africa.

You absolute fucking spazzer

'That was a searching ball' - A long, crap pass that goes out for a throw in

'That was a speculative/ambitious/brave attempt' - A long range shot which misses, often by a mile.

'What a romantic story that would have been' - Commentator attempts to console fans of smaller team that has just been thrashed, by indicating it would have been nice if they had won

'It's a greasy pitch' - It has rained and the pitch is wet. There is no grease in sight.

'He loves it to feet' - Stupid phrase that implies the commentator believes some players are incapable of having it "to feet", despite the game being called football

'This is mouth-watering football' - This game is quite exciting

'They are flexing their muscles now' - One team is starting to play better than the other

'He's got big goals in him' - Common Tlydlsey quote, whereby he assumes a player is saving up goals for a special occasion

'He doesn't stand on ceremony!' - Usually said after a defender has dumped a smaller player on his arse with a violent shoulder barge

'He knows where the goals are' - The player is aware of the location of the goal and goalposts, relevant to his own position, even when not looking directly at them. Useful for any footballer.

'He doesn't need a second invitation to shoot!' - As if some players stand around, waiting for opposition defenders to say "Go on then, have a crack son"