World Cup 2010 - Part 5

The torrent of shit from the World Cup archives continues to flow - there is literally no stopping it. We are now on Part 5 of our World Cup 2010 retrospective, analysing the commentating nonsense spouted during the tournament in South Africa.

You absolute fucking spazzer

'That was a searching ball' - A long, crap pass that goes out for a throw in

'That was a speculative/ambitious/brave attempt' - A long range shot which misses, often by a mile.

'What a romantic story that would have been' - Commentator attempts to console fans of smaller team that has just been thrashed, by indicating it would have been nice if they had won

'It's a greasy pitch' - It has rained and the pitch is wet. There is no grease in sight.

'He loves it to feet' - Stupid phrase that implies the commentator believes some players are incapable of having it "to feet", despite the game being called football

'This is mouth-watering football' - This game is quite exciting

'They are flexing their muscles now' - One team is starting to play better than the other

'He's got big goals in him' - Common Tlydlsey quote, whereby he assumes a player is saving up goals for a special occasion

'He doesn't stand on ceremony!' - Usually said after a defender has dumped a smaller player on his arse with a violent shoulder barge

'He knows where the goals are' - The player is aware of the location of the goal and goalposts, relevant to his own position, even when not looking directly at them. Useful for any footballer.

'He doesn't need a second invitation to shoot!' - As if some players stand around, waiting for opposition defenders to say "Go on then, have a crack son"