World Cup 2010 - Part 4

The tide of commentating filth was neverending at the last World Cup. Part 4 below - even more Parts to follow.

Spanish player interrupts De Jong's breakdancing practice

'On paper, they should beat them…' - How the result of the game should be played out, if calculated through some mathematical formula, especially when the commentator doesn't know much about one of the sides

'Cross-come-shot' - A wild hack which results in the ball entering the box at a random velocity and direction

'He's gone down in installments there' - A diving player has gradually fallen over to attract the refs attention

'He can do a job' - An average quality footballer is bigged up for his ability to run about a lot like a Labrador chasing a Frisbee, e.g. Dirk Kuyt

'They'll just go out there and enjoy themselves' - Said patronizingly of any low ranked team in the World Cup

'Absolutely top-drawer' - Another Andy Townsend-ism. Presumably because Andy keeps his most special things in his top drawer at home.

'He will be disappointed with that/he knows he should have done better' - A crap shot/pass/free kick that instead of being simply called crap, is described in such a way as to make sure the commentator doesn't get in trouble, for having opinions

'He's unpredictable' - Slightly racist label given to any young, skillful black player

'Bullet/glancing' - The only two types of headers which players can score from

'Put in a good shift' - Description of a knackered looking player being subbed

'If this was a boxing match, it would have been stopped in the first round' - Said whenever a top 5 team has put 3 or more past a very low ranked team

'An inch either side of the keeper and it would have been in!' - A complicated way of saying that if the ball had not been saved, it would have been a goal

'He's picked his pocket' - A neat, clean tackle, often leaving the player without the ball bemused and bewildered

'They've adopted a shoot-on-sight policy' - The team is trying to score long range goals, often by greedy players

'It's damage limitation time now' - Another slightly patronizing phrase, whenever a low ranked team goes 2 or more goals down

'Not like the Brazil of old' - Willing to defend rather than relying on the tactic of 'just score lots of goals and hope they don't too'

'Whipped it in' - Crossed it at high speed. Crosses no longer being fashionable as they lack the potential for the ball to ricochet into the goal off of any player in the box.

'Crashing out' - What England do when deservedly beaten by a better side. Any other team will simply be 'eliminated' or 'knocked out'.

'Effect of the conditions' - Used to explain any team does better or worse than expected. Reasons may include high temperatures, low temperatures, high altitude or particularly fervent national fans. See 'rainy Wednesday at Oldham' phenomenon.

World Cup 2010 - Part the 3rd

Part 3 of our retrospective look at the commentating rubbish from World Cup 2010 continues below - feast your eyes upon the nonsense and despair for all mankind.

What a ridiculous mascot. A cheetah could plainly never play the sport. At most, he would chew the ball and then run away.

'He should at least hit the target from there' - A comment that ignores the fact that doing anything more than hitting the target is scoring a goal.

'This ball's been causing keepers a lot of problems' - Mentioned prior to kick-off. The ball will be called 'unpredictable' and likened to a beach football. Ultimately, no goals will be scored where the ball behaves like anything other than a normal football. This sentence will be uttered everytime a goalie punches the ball.

'Typical Brazilian defender' - The opposite of a 'no-nonsence player'. A defender that, despite all known logic and teachings, has the ability to dribble the ball and pass without shouting the words 'Ave it!' as he hoofs the ball to the big man

'Group of Death' - Never results in fatalities. A term used to describe a group that’s a bit tricky. Contains 2 good teams, a vastly overhyped team, and a team that any Sunday league footballer could have a decent shout of getting into

'He's shown him a clean pair of heels' - Describes a player that has run faster than the opposition. He is not showing his heel at any point, whether they be clean or otherwise

'He's used him by not using him!' - An oxymoron often said by the biggest moron of them all, Townsend. Describes a situation where a player has been a greedy so and so rather than passing it to their better positioned teammate, thus confusing the defender

'You can't do that in this day and age' - Used by reminiscent commentators to pore scorn upon the modern attitude to tackling, after a player has been amputated at the knee by an errant tackle. 

'When he does go down, you know he's hurt' - Unlike those cheating foreigners. Only ever applicable to 'honest pros'

'They will be there or thereabouts at the end of the tournament' - A way of predicting a team will do well at a tournament without any real analysis or informative input. Brazil and Germany will always 'be there or thereabouts'

'The official's got to exercise a bit of common sense there' - Ignoring the fact that no referees anywhere possess common sense, apart from oddly, the bald ones. (See Webb, Howard and Collina, Peirluigi) Often heard after Peter Crouch has jumped yet again using his uber-sharp elbows

'He's elected to punch!' - Often said in surprised tones, indicating that the commentator disapproves of the funny foreign goalkeeper not catching the ball. The goalkeeper has also not actually sat down and conducted a ballot to decide his course of action.

'The ball was smuggled through there' - A clever pass that goes past more than one player, sending a sprinting forward clear on goal.

'Worth a go…WORTH A GO!' - First 3 words said jovially as a midfielder tries a pot-shot from 40 yards during a slow passage of play, second 3 words yelled at ear-busting volume as the shot zips into the top corner past the bemused keeper

'They only have themselves to blame/they will never learn' - Usually a disparaging Townsend comment, when defensive teams (often Italians) have stopped trying to score goals and focused on defence while leading a game - right before conceding in the last 5 minutes

World Cup 2010 - Part 2

Continuing our retrospective look at the shit punditry from World Cup 2010, I now present part 2 for your reading pleasure.

The closest it was going to get to being lifted by an African

'He's got no right to hit the ball from there' - Based on the view that players should only be allowed the shoot from certain areas of the pitch. Goals are often scored despite players having 'no right' to do so.

'He's hit it too well' - A powerful shot that is off target or aimed straight at the keeper. Often related to the follow up remark of 'He does everything right there' or 'if he scuffs it it goes in'

'He's always got that in his locker' - A brilliant piece of skill performed by a player that has been useless for an entire game. Previously used to describe David Beckham following another ineffectual performance

'Impossible angle' - A player shooting from an impossible angle often aims for a 'non-existant gap'. The impossiblity and non-existance of such angles and gaps rarely stops players from 'having a go'

'Just offside' - offside

'I don't think anyone knows whether he was offside or not with these rules' - Often coupled with the term 'phases of play'. Uttered by a commentator that doesn't understand the latest incarnation of the offside rule, making the assumption that no-one else does. Without fail, this will be followed by a harking to return the 'old rule'. Andy Townsend will nod sagely at this analysis.

'Laying down a marker/making a statement' - Always done 'early doors'. Describes a vicious tackle within the first couple of minutes that is meant to inform the opposition of what they can expect for the rest of the game

'The lottery of penalties' - Despite in-depth analysis by genii such as Hansen and Townsend, penalty shoot-outs are not a random sequence of events, and are usually won by the team that is better at penalties

'Samba football' - Only possible to be played by Brazil, until they are eliminated. It can then be played by any team that comes from a country hotter than England and 'likes to play football'

'Screamer' - A shot that travels fast. No-one screams

'Straight from the training ground' - The rare occasion where the months of hard work at training don't result in a free kick being blasted over or tamely cleared

'Tell you what' - A preface to an ill-informed opinion by Andy 'Tactics Truck' Townsend

'It's a great cross but no-ones there' - A nonsense sentence. Rather than blame the player that has needlessly pumped the ball into the mixer without looking, blame is instead placed on the other 10 teammates who aren't there. The same logic is never applied to 'it was a great pass, but his teammate was running in the other direction'

'Latin Temperament' - Used to describe a South American player that is sent off. The assumption being that latin players are all flair and no trousers. Latin temperament is never a positive trait

'He just needs to get something on that' - A 'no shit' remark following a player dramatically lunging at a cross but missing the ball. Only used when the ball is within 6 yards of the goal line

'We don't want to mention 1966 again' - Mentioned prior to, during and after all games involving England, any team that England may meet in the tournament or any team that happens to be playing on the same day as England. Also mentioned in response to that fucking annoying supporter's band playing the Great Escape for the hundreth time that minute

'Carnival atmosphere' - Created courtesy of the 'fantastic home fans'. Ignores the fact that the vuvuzelas sound like a cat being fed its own testicles while a stag dry humps it

'Great/Perennial underacheivers' - England/Holland/Previously Spain before they shat on everyone else

World Cup 2010 - Part 1

Well it's been a while, but let's get this blog going regularly now, shall we? Excellent.

Fucking SHUT UP!

Today we're going to have the first part of an archival look at commentating bullshit from the 2010 World Cup - I took extensive notes during the tournament, as the verbal chuff on display was of the highest quality. Part 1 is below.

This team likes to play football - A team that enjoys passing the ball. They need to be careful however, of not playing too much football

Early doors - Something that happens in the first few minutes of a game. Happening 'early' isn't descriptive enough of how early this really early thing is.

Good time to score - Usually just before or after half-time, when for some reason, goals must count double. Scoring early doors can be perceived as either good or bad.


Cristiano Ronaldo territory - A bit further back than David Beckham territory. Approx 40 yards from goal, where a player will blast the ball with all their might to see it float harmlessly over the crossbar

That's his bread and butter - Something simple that a player should do with no problems. Often heard after a fluffed clearance by a no-nonsense player, or a simple 2 metre tap-in from a goal hanger who contributes little else.

That's a clever booking. He's knows what he's doing - Only applicable to English defenders. A foul commited by a player safe in the knowledge that he won't get sent off

Cynical - The same as above, but committed by a dirty foreigner

Corridor of Uncertainty - Between the last line of defence and the goalkeeper where all involved are dumbstruck as to what to do

Cultured/Trusted left foot - Inapplicable to right feet. Often refers to a winger who can cross the ball without falling over or stubbing his toe

African sides are defenisvely naïve - Applied to any African team that loses a game

African sides are natural athletes - Applied to any African team in a psuedo-racist sense to explain that all africans can run forever. If not for their defensive and tactical naivity, African teams would rule the world

X is going past Y for fun - A player that repeatedly is able to run past the opposing player, presumably giggling and saying 'ole' as they do so

He's got great heart - He likes to kneecap the opponents with brutal challenges

Tremendous engine - A man that runs and runs but ultimately achieves very little