World Cup 2010 - Part the 3rd

Part 3 of our retrospective look at the commentating rubbish from World Cup 2010 continues below - feast your eyes upon the nonsense and despair for all mankind.

What a ridiculous mascot. A cheetah could plainly never play the sport. At most, he would chew the ball and then run away.

'He should at least hit the target from there' - A comment that ignores the fact that doing anything more than hitting the target is scoring a goal.

'This ball's been causing keepers a lot of problems' - Mentioned prior to kick-off. The ball will be called 'unpredictable' and likened to a beach football. Ultimately, no goals will be scored where the ball behaves like anything other than a normal football. This sentence will be uttered everytime a goalie punches the ball.

'Typical Brazilian defender' - The opposite of a 'no-nonsence player'. A defender that, despite all known logic and teachings, has the ability to dribble the ball and pass without shouting the words 'Ave it!' as he hoofs the ball to the big man

'Group of Death' - Never results in fatalities. A term used to describe a group that’s a bit tricky. Contains 2 good teams, a vastly overhyped team, and a team that any Sunday league footballer could have a decent shout of getting into

'He's shown him a clean pair of heels' - Describes a player that has run faster than the opposition. He is not showing his heel at any point, whether they be clean or otherwise

'He's used him by not using him!' - An oxymoron often said by the biggest moron of them all, Townsend. Describes a situation where a player has been a greedy so and so rather than passing it to their better positioned teammate, thus confusing the defender

'You can't do that in this day and age' - Used by reminiscent commentators to pore scorn upon the modern attitude to tackling, after a player has been amputated at the knee by an errant tackle. 

'When he does go down, you know he's hurt' - Unlike those cheating foreigners. Only ever applicable to 'honest pros'

'They will be there or thereabouts at the end of the tournament' - A way of predicting a team will do well at a tournament without any real analysis or informative input. Brazil and Germany will always 'be there or thereabouts'

'The official's got to exercise a bit of common sense there' - Ignoring the fact that no referees anywhere possess common sense, apart from oddly, the bald ones. (See Webb, Howard and Collina, Peirluigi) Often heard after Peter Crouch has jumped yet again using his uber-sharp elbows

'He's elected to punch!' - Often said in surprised tones, indicating that the commentator disapproves of the funny foreign goalkeeper not catching the ball. The goalkeeper has also not actually sat down and conducted a ballot to decide his course of action.

'The ball was smuggled through there' - A clever pass that goes past more than one player, sending a sprinting forward clear on goal.

'Worth a go…WORTH A GO!' - First 3 words said jovially as a midfielder tries a pot-shot from 40 yards during a slow passage of play, second 3 words yelled at ear-busting volume as the shot zips into the top corner past the bemused keeper

'They only have themselves to blame/they will never learn' - Usually a disparaging Townsend comment, when defensive teams (often Italians) have stopped trying to score goals and focused on defence while leading a game - right before conceding in the last 5 minutes