Euro 2012 - Part the 3rd

We're now into the last set of group matches, and after a particularly heart-attack inducing England match last night (MORE PASSION LADS, THAT'S IT!), I'm recovering quite well today, and have collated the latest entries into the Commentators Hall of Shite. Enjoy.

Absolutely bloody terrifying

 'He buys the ticket Ramos, but he doesn't always win the prize.' - Ramos likes to dive a lot but the ref doesn't fall for it.

'So Patrick, what is going to be going on in the French dressing room right now? A glass of claret and some Coq Au Vin?' - Adrian Chiles being racist with Patrick Vieira. But it doesn't matter does it, because they're only French after all - it's fun racism.

'They're going to need a result - either way - of some kind' - The one, the only, Andy Townsend.

'You need to keep him disinteresed' - The best way of ensuring Ibrahimovic doesn't play well, apparently. Maybe he could listen to your commentary, Andy?

'He splits opinion' - Some people think he is a cunt, but I'm not allowed to say that.

'It was threatening to dip' - It didn't dip, and went over the goal by a mile

'Just play with your heads!'  - Stop panicking and calm down. Feet will still be used.

'He pulls his man off at the far post' - Not what you think. Stop snickering.

'He's got an educated left foot' - One up from a cultured left foot.

'Being one-nil up, this situation completely suits Germany' - Yes, winning often does suit a team quite well.

'Ozil there, running through the midfield, with eyes like a cartoon fish.' - He looks funny, this is amusing to me.

'He's an engimatic player' - Sometimes he can be a bit shit. Ibrahimovic is always described as Enigmatic.

'He's a talismanic figure for them!' - An 'enigmatic player' is automatically promoted to a 'talismanic figure' if he scores during a game. Again, always applies to Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

'He scored that goal like he's been doing it all his life!' - Being a striker for an international team, that's because he probably has.

'Elm squirts it away!' - Elm just about clears the ball to safety in time.

'That footballing brain is still alive' - Despite the rest of him being knackered. Often applied to any player over the age of 30.

And today's extracts from the mind of the girl sharing my flat...

'Who's he?! Isn't he from Rizzlekicks?' - Upon seeing Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain.

'Do you think he feels bad for wearing the spacker helmet?' - Upon seeing Petr Cech.

'His voice makes me want to kill myself.' - Upon hearing Mark Lawrenson

'He does look a bit like a newt. Ohhh, I hate newts. No! He looks like Dobby. Dobby the house-German' - Upon seeing Mesut Ozil.

Euro 2012 - Part 2

Another day of cracking matches - although the scores were low, the names were big, and humblings abound for the wasteful Dutch. The Germans almost blew it but ground out a result against the very defensive Portugese, who seemed more afraid to lose than keen to win. After their great performance in the last 20 minutes you were barking angirly at the TV, for they should have spent the whole game playing with such verve and direction.

The commentating highlight was surely Mark Lawrenson, where upon the stadium camera cutting to the picture below and showing a man wearing an all-over black morphsuit, proudly exclaimed 'Oh look, it's Eric the Eel.'

Crime is always a problem in morphsuit ghettos

Eric. The Eel. Otherwise known as Eric Moussambani, the infamous Olympic swimmer from Equatorial New Guinea. Well done Lawro. Of all the racist gaffs to make, he picks an obscure entry from a sporting event held 12 years ago. Racism in disguise, if you will.

Anyway, on to the commentating nonsense.

'It was spectacular and tame in equal measure' - It was shit

'He stopped the cross by not stopping it' - He just waved his leg in the air a bit and put the other player off.

'He's not the sort of referee you want if the game's a minger' - Lawro, referring to his distaste of the fussy referee during the Germany/Portugal match, drops in some young person's words to show he can keep it real.

'Powering across, he was like a runaway train!' - He couldn't stop himself from barging into the other player and dumping him on the turf

'They haven't been asked too many questions by the Portugese' - The Germans haven't had to defend much so far. No questions have actually been asked, in any language.

'He's used his experience there' - He's committed a sneaky foul that no one has seen.

'That is desperatley disappointing for a team of Holland's ability' - The player has done something amazingly shit, like hit the corner flag while shooting, and I am trying to express my disgust in a polite manner.

'Does this remind you of a certain match between Chelsea and Barcelona?' - Said from now on, and forever until the end of time, when a weaker team plays a stronger team.

'That's a teasing ball' - That was a good cross.

'Ronaldo was giving Postiga a mouthful' - Ronaldo was telling Postiga off, not filling his gaping maw with latin spunk.

'First game syndrome' - said whenever a team's opening match in a group is a cagey, tight affair.

And today's highlight from the lady-friend :

'How do they know which countries can take part in the Euro's?' - Mostly, they allow the European ones.

Euro 2012 - Part 1

Euro 2012 has, as you no doubt know, kicked off with two excellent matches, full of mistakes, stress, goals and people running about a lot. Much better than the bore draws we expected. There seems to be something in the footballing air this year - from the Premiership to the Champions League and beyond, crazy matches have resulted in exciting viewing. Long may this continue.

WHAT'S FOR DINNER MOTHER? MAGGOTS ON TOAST?!

Some gems from the first day, especially from ITV, where Peter Drury is in fine form as master of talking out of one's arse. Seeing Roy Keane and Patrick Viera sat next to each other is also greatly amusing, as is Adrian Chiles asking Viera if he's experienced any racisim so far - delightfully, Patrick doesn't gloss over the issues, and as good as admits live on air that he has. Wonderful.

Anyway, on to the chuff.

'They're going to sit back and let the French come on to them' - No, not English teenage girls on holiday in Paris, but the national team's supposed tactics.

 'He's free to pull a few strings' - He's a lazy bugger but he's good with the ball.

'Uncompromising' - A strong, bulldozerish, dirty player, fond of dumping other players on their arses with a shoulder barge to the back. The whole of the Greek team is 'Uncompromising'

'It's a tough group . . . well, I say tough, it's the easiest' - Mark Bright getting metaphysical on us

'Unbelivable support, as you would expect' - Surely in that case, it is only "believable" support then?

'He got sandwiched' - Not a dubious sexual manouever, but being tackled by two blokes at the same time. Fnar.

'He's like a diesal when he get's going!' - He's slow to start, especially in the cold, but will keep running and running once he's up to speed.

'That was an immediate indescretion' - A Russian player has fouled a Czech within 0.4 seconds of the kickoff.

'Once they got their noses in front, they didn't look back!' - That would be foolish!

'2-0 . . . at scorelines like that, the next goal is huge' - At other scorelines, goals don't matter.

'There's wind in the Czech sails!' - The Czech's have started to play quite well now. There are no boats involved.

Out of the mouths of women comes . . . nonsense

A slight update of footballing wisdom from the lady of the house. No doubt further gems to come during Euro 2012.

'Oh! He's so ugly, we'll never win with him' - After getting a look at Roy Hodgson

'Why do the commentators keep giving out useless stats like 'Chelsea haven't beaten a Spanish team in a European match before' it's pointless, because its different circumstances! It's making me so angry, it's like me saying 'On a Tuesday a fat pigeon has never landed on my roof!' - After getting annoyed at football statistics

'Does he have a disorder? I'm sure I read he has a disorder.' - On Peter Crouch again.

World Cup 2010 - Part the Last

With Euro 2012 descending on us with all the crushing inevitability of a giant racist Hippo, this post brings you the very last of the archive highlights of word-guff from the 2010 World Cup. With the Euro highlights due to begin today at 4:15pm on BBC One, the word-nets and guff-traps have been fully set, ready to capture any and all nonsense that Gary and chums will vomit forth into my ears.

What the stadiums looked like from 12th July 2010 onwards

'That was a little bit Hollywood' - That pass/shot was way too optimistic, and also rubbish

'William Gallas looked like a gazelle that had plopped out of it's mothers womb, and was trying to get it's bandy legs sorted out' - William Gallas has fallen over and it is amusing

'Bambi-esque on ice' - The player slipped over

'The keeper's a big tart doing that' - I think the keeper is being unsportsmanlike (Mick Mcarthy)

'A buccaneering run' - A powerful and exciting run towards goal with the ball

'He's a little will o'wisp figure' - He's small

'I always thought there was a look of "Hannibal Lectar" about Bob Bradly' - I think Bob Bradley looks silly so I am making a comment explaining this

'Xavi…one of the worlds best pingers' - Xavi is good at passing the ball

'Have another frankfurter!' - The Germans are playing well and deserve recognition of some kind (Mick Mcarthy)

'He just got a nose to it' - He managed to glance the ball with the tip of his forehead

'He's getting a roasting from his keeper!' - His keeper is telling him off for making a mistake

'Gyan with a speculator!' - Gyan has shot from long range

'Germany only failed to get out of the group stages once in the World Cup, in 1938…but Germany probably had something else on their minds then' - I am making a reference to the war, but don't actually want to come out and say it plainly

'The seductive touch of those who massage the ball around' - Spain are really good at passing

'He can make the ball sit up and beg' - He is good at controlling the ball

'Look at Tevez, like a one man battleship trying to wrestle through the German back line' - Tevez is playing well and trying really hard

'NOW they're hungry!' - The team was playing rubbish, but is playing good now