Euro 2012 - Part the 3rd

We're now into the last set of group matches, and after a particularly heart-attack inducing England match last night (MORE PASSION LADS, THAT'S IT!), I'm recovering quite well today, and have collated the latest entries into the Commentators Hall of Shite. Enjoy.

Absolutely bloody terrifying

 'He buys the ticket Ramos, but he doesn't always win the prize.' - Ramos likes to dive a lot but the ref doesn't fall for it.

'So Patrick, what is going to be going on in the French dressing room right now? A glass of claret and some Coq Au Vin?' - Adrian Chiles being racist with Patrick Vieira. But it doesn't matter does it, because they're only French after all - it's fun racism.

'They're going to need a result - either way - of some kind' - The one, the only, Andy Townsend.

'You need to keep him disinteresed' - The best way of ensuring Ibrahimovic doesn't play well, apparently. Maybe he could listen to your commentary, Andy?

'He splits opinion' - Some people think he is a cunt, but I'm not allowed to say that.

'It was threatening to dip' - It didn't dip, and went over the goal by a mile

'Just play with your heads!'  - Stop panicking and calm down. Feet will still be used.

'He pulls his man off at the far post' - Not what you think. Stop snickering.

'He's got an educated left foot' - One up from a cultured left foot.

'Being one-nil up, this situation completely suits Germany' - Yes, winning often does suit a team quite well.

'Ozil there, running through the midfield, with eyes like a cartoon fish.' - He looks funny, this is amusing to me.

'He's an engimatic player' - Sometimes he can be a bit shit. Ibrahimovic is always described as Enigmatic.

'He's a talismanic figure for them!' - An 'enigmatic player' is automatically promoted to a 'talismanic figure' if he scores during a game. Again, always applies to Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

'He scored that goal like he's been doing it all his life!' - Being a striker for an international team, that's because he probably has.

'Elm squirts it away!' - Elm just about clears the ball to safety in time.

'That footballing brain is still alive' - Despite the rest of him being knackered. Often applied to any player over the age of 30.

And today's extracts from the mind of the girl sharing my flat...

'Who's he?! Isn't he from Rizzlekicks?' - Upon seeing Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain.

'Do you think he feels bad for wearing the spacker helmet?' - Upon seeing Petr Cech.

'His voice makes me want to kill myself.' - Upon hearing Mark Lawrenson

'He does look a bit like a newt. Ohhh, I hate newts. No! He looks like Dobby. Dobby the house-German' - Upon seeing Mesut Ozil.