Solid

A solid collection of commentating garbage from this weekend. A nice 7/10. Top, top work, as a member of the Redknapp family might say.

'There's Louis Arteta!' - John Motson continues his descent into senility.

'On another day, Villa might have got a point' - Alan Shearer ponders the quantum theory of football.

'He's a good forager' - This player is quick to see an opportunity to score a goal. He does not collect nuts and berries.

'That's a tasty elbow' - This player has craftily poked his elbow into the face of an opponent to put him off. The actual elbow has no flavour at all.

'A tackle as clean as a whistle.' - A good tackle.

'Wigan asking some serious questions now' - Wigan are playing better and look likely to score. They are not asking their opponents what the cube root of 369 is, nor are they asking what the population density per km squared is in Zanzibar.

'Di Santo couldn't quite grow enough.' - Di Santo couldn't quite jump high enough to head the ball. Di Santo is already a fully grown man.

'When he hits it, they stay hit!' - He has hit the ball very hard. It remains hit, until gravity and wind resistence bring it to a halt. It does not defy the laws of physics.

'Running the channels' - Moving within a vague and undefined area on the flanks of the final third of the pitch in order to seek space.

And some more quotes from the girlfriend -

'Samba! That has got to be a black man's name.'

'Put it in! That was BULLSHIT!'

'Run at it! Fucking scare them that they are going to get hurt!'

Football me 'till I SQUIRT

There is no escape from football at the moment. The knockout phases of both the Champions League and the Europa League are in full swing, as well as FA Cup and League Cup shenanigans. The exasperated cries of womenfolk are heard throughout the land 'Not ANOTHER match?!'

Don't fight it. Nobody can stop it. Football is upon us, like a crushing stampede of sport, and who are the cattle rangers driving this? Clive Tyldsley and Andy Townsend. There is no hope. No hope at all. We've died inside. Grey and worthless, the senseless noise of Townsend fills our ears, and we die inside.

'If anything Clive, I've commentated TOO well'

'Baines is more of a floater' - An unpleasant image for all concerned.

'They write their own stories here!' - My own misguided view of how the game was to pan out has proved to be remarkably innacurate.

'There is a corporate determination now about Blackburn Rovers'

'Arsenal are penetrated!' - More unpleasantness.

'That's a big diagonal!' - Having diagonals too small would be most unwise.

'This is the ball on the other foot now!' - Townsend mixes his metaphors to produce some bizarre offspring.

'Put it in there, get people around it, make people uncomfortable' - Andy lets us in on another tactical masterclass.

'Just how fit is John Terry after his abscence . . .  well, he's come up for this corner.' - Professional athlete jogs 30 yards, Clive Tyldesley is impressed

'Good shot . . . he missed the target.' - So it's not really a good shot is it Ian Wright? It's more of a shit shot.

'Chelsea are knocking at the door, which they have done all afternoon . . . at intervals'

'Ironically, it's a long-ball up' - Andy Townsend gets confused about irony. Again.

'It's all about taking your chances at this level' - Unlike at say, league 2 level, where it's all about plaiting hair and training weasels

'Chelsea haven't exactly pulled up any trees here' - Chelsea have not been impressive so far.

'They can be amongst the goals, pretty quickly, they are that sort of team' - They are able to score quickly. It is always a good thing to be 'amongst the goals', even 'early doors'

'Arsenal's mountain just got a little bit taller' - Arsenal have conceded very early in a tough match. Again.

'That's a nonsense goal' - That was fucking shite from the defending team and even I could do better

'It was a tester for Lahm' - That was a difficult situation for Lahm to deal with, but he did ok.

'If anything, he hits it TOO well, Clive' -100% classic Townsend. He hasn't hit it too well Andy! He's done exactly the opposite of hitting it too well! He's hit it too badly, and it's been saved/missed.

'Arsenal are staring down the barrel of a gun again' - Arsenal are on the verge of losing heavily. They will not actually be executed in any way.

'On his left foot there, taking the shot . . . and there's no real pedigree there' - He is shit on his left foot

European Football A-go-go

THE BIGGEST MATCH IN THE UNIVERSE, this week, with the first leg of Real Madrid Vs Manchester United. FOOTBALL! EUROPEAN! 1ST LEG AHGRHGRH. It was literally so exciting the media could not spin it up with enough hyperbole. Pants were wetted. They had run out of words.

The commentators however, being the cunning old pros that they are, certainly hadn't. Oh no my friend. They took mere words, and sounds, and conjured them into a beautiful mosaic of noise, painting a picture in our brains. Clive Tyldesley and Andy Townsend. How can we mortals fathom such genius? We can't. To try it to is to blaspheme. We can only bow down and let it wash over us, as grateful as a worm for the cold embrace of the soil.

Talented prick

'That was an educated ball forward' - That was a good pass

'Neil Lennon's done something different tonight, they've asked questions of Juventus, and most of them have registered.' - Neil Lennon has planned his tactics well. Even though they lost 3-0.

'Neil Lennon's been chatting to Capello and Roy Hodgson. He's been taking it in. He's a learner!' - A man?! Learning things?! With his brain?! WHAT A PONCE.

'He's got NO RIGHT to save that!' - The goalkeeper has pulled off a good save, rights or no.

'Wellbeck pulls off Ramos' - A classic from Townsend.

'Sergio Ramos is a provocative player' - I think he is a bit of a cunt but I cannot say that live on ITV.

'He's started to make Manchester United dance to his tune' - He is playing well.

'Andre Villas Boas - i'm glad to see he's giving this competition the respect it is due' - Andy Townsend discussing the well known media-invented problem of AVB 'disrespecting' certain competitions, like the F.A. Cup, because he is a foreigner who doesn't understand our ways. Even though Andy Townsend clearly thinks the Europa League is a pile of shit.

'Malbranque between the legs of Adebayor . . . he would have enjoyed that' - Tyldesley conjures up an unwanted and disturbing image.

Low Buzz Count

Bit of a low buzz count over the last couple of weeks. Perhaps the cold is freezing up the buzz-nodes in the brains of the football commentators, but there has been precious few examples of commentating foolery recently. I cannot imagine this situation will last very long.

"Oh bugger"

'He's idling with intent' - He's goalhanging

'Now they have to do it the hard way!' - The favourite team have let one or more goals in to supposedly inferior opposition.

'He had the confidence to take it on' - He's a greedy bugger

'They are an honest and determined team' - They are dirty and attempt to kick their opponents off the park

'He's very competitive' - He will foul more skillful players mercilessly

And a selection of more golden quotes from the girlfriend -

'Yes! Hit it as hard as you can, THAT is how you play a game with a ball. Just like snooker.' - Upon seeing a free kick hit really hard and blazed over the bar.

'Maybe they're trained like soldiers, you know, indoctrinated - when they see a goal, they can't help but put a ball in it.' - After seeing Gareth Barry pass a ball accurately into his own net.

'Fucking close him down you cocksuckers!'  - Getting overexcited after a player runs past two others and gets a shot off

'Hi Roy! Aww, it's like he doesn't know where he is.' - After seeing a confused looking Roy Hodgson in the crowd for a game.

'Urgh, why do you want to touch him, he's all spangly' - After someone hugs Peter Crouch.

ITV can be shit too (again)

It's been a while, but time for an update. Quite a few have been clogging up various notepads.

He's got all the pieces, but they just don't add up right

This weekend was fourth round FA Cup weekend, and gave us the opportunity to remember that ITV can be just as shit at commentary as the BBC can. Well done ITV. The weekend's FA cup highlights were presented by the curious face of Matt Smith, of whom all the pieces are slightly the wrong size, as if put together with bodyparts from a variety of different people. Clark Carlise and Gordon Strachan, his co-pundits, were excellent however, Carlise in particular, impressively using such words as 'potency' and 'exquisite' - descriptions not often used, or understood, by footballers.

'The game plan was always to stay in the game' - Vital

'They made it very very difficult today' - They are a dirty team and fouled us loads.

'The goalkeeper has been beaten all ends up!' - The goalkeeper made a fool or himself and/or the ball was struck very hard

'He's opted for the direct approach.' - He's panicked and blindly hoofed the ball upfield.

'You've got to play against Stoke' - As opposed to dancing against them? Singing?

'He's really got to bomb on from there' - He must run faster. Only wingers or full-backs can ever 'bomb on'

'He's got a spicy reception today' - 30,000 people are calling him a cunt.

'It was a team that I put out to win the game, and up until the 80th minute, they were successfully doing that' - We lost.

'It's a throwback to the heyday of yesteryear!' - A footballer has done something sportsmanlike, such as not kicking a ballboy, or diving.

'The panic button has been pushed.' - The owner has sacked a manager very soon after appointing him, in order to look like he knows what he's doing.

'The young lads are doing a lot of running but the ball's just not running for them' - The team are running around like idiots and panicking.

'What are the positives of Man United's win, Michael?' 'The 3 points' - Michael Owen proves he is as sharp on the pundits couch as he was in the penalty box.

'That was decadent stuff!' - The player just pulled off a nice piece of skill.

And some recent gems from the ladyfriend . . .

'Brian McDermott looks like he's just got off a market stall. Mangoes, two for a paaaand!' - Lady friend thinks Brian McDermott looks like a market trader.

Me - 'Do you remember that man?'
Her - 'Ummm . . . '
Me - 'You said once that he looked like Angelina Jolie.'
Her - 'Oh yes! Yes stick a black wig on him and you've got Jolie when she's 50.'
Upon seeing Alan Pardew.

(In a sing-song voice) 'He's almost black, he's almost black, Chris Houghtoooon . . . he's-not-quite-black.'

'Snodgrass?! That's like a name from a Just William book.'

Upon seeing a defending player in a free kick wall get penalized for knocking it with his hand 'Why has he got a yellow card?! If anything he was knocking the ball AWAY from goal . . . wait . . . that came out wrong.'

'Oh look, more black armbands! Somebodies cat must've died.'

'Urgh look, there's so many crevices in his face, I can't concentrate on him, it's ridiculous.' Looking at Harry Redknapp.

Euro 2012 - Part the 3rd

We're now into the last set of group matches, and after a particularly heart-attack inducing England match last night (MORE PASSION LADS, THAT'S IT!), I'm recovering quite well today, and have collated the latest entries into the Commentators Hall of Shite. Enjoy.

Absolutely bloody terrifying

 'He buys the ticket Ramos, but he doesn't always win the prize.' - Ramos likes to dive a lot but the ref doesn't fall for it.

'So Patrick, what is going to be going on in the French dressing room right now? A glass of claret and some Coq Au Vin?' - Adrian Chiles being racist with Patrick Vieira. But it doesn't matter does it, because they're only French after all - it's fun racism.

'They're going to need a result - either way - of some kind' - The one, the only, Andy Townsend.

'You need to keep him disinteresed' - The best way of ensuring Ibrahimovic doesn't play well, apparently. Maybe he could listen to your commentary, Andy?

'He splits opinion' - Some people think he is a cunt, but I'm not allowed to say that.

'It was threatening to dip' - It didn't dip, and went over the goal by a mile

'Just play with your heads!'  - Stop panicking and calm down. Feet will still be used.

'He pulls his man off at the far post' - Not what you think. Stop snickering.

'He's got an educated left foot' - One up from a cultured left foot.

'Being one-nil up, this situation completely suits Germany' - Yes, winning often does suit a team quite well.

'Ozil there, running through the midfield, with eyes like a cartoon fish.' - He looks funny, this is amusing to me.

'He's an engimatic player' - Sometimes he can be a bit shit. Ibrahimovic is always described as Enigmatic.

'He's a talismanic figure for them!' - An 'enigmatic player' is automatically promoted to a 'talismanic figure' if he scores during a game. Again, always applies to Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

'He scored that goal like he's been doing it all his life!' - Being a striker for an international team, that's because he probably has.

'Elm squirts it away!' - Elm just about clears the ball to safety in time.

'That footballing brain is still alive' - Despite the rest of him being knackered. Often applied to any player over the age of 30.

And today's extracts from the mind of the girl sharing my flat...

'Who's he?! Isn't he from Rizzlekicks?' - Upon seeing Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain.

'Do you think he feels bad for wearing the spacker helmet?' - Upon seeing Petr Cech.

'His voice makes me want to kill myself.' - Upon hearing Mark Lawrenson

'He does look a bit like a newt. Ohhh, I hate newts. No! He looks like Dobby. Dobby the house-German' - Upon seeing Mesut Ozil.

Euro 2012 - Part 2

Another day of cracking matches - although the scores were low, the names were big, and humblings abound for the wasteful Dutch. The Germans almost blew it but ground out a result against the very defensive Portugese, who seemed more afraid to lose than keen to win. After their great performance in the last 20 minutes you were barking angirly at the TV, for they should have spent the whole game playing with such verve and direction.

The commentating highlight was surely Mark Lawrenson, where upon the stadium camera cutting to the picture below and showing a man wearing an all-over black morphsuit, proudly exclaimed 'Oh look, it's Eric the Eel.'

Crime is always a problem in morphsuit ghettos

Eric. The Eel. Otherwise known as Eric Moussambani, the infamous Olympic swimmer from Equatorial New Guinea. Well done Lawro. Of all the racist gaffs to make, he picks an obscure entry from a sporting event held 12 years ago. Racism in disguise, if you will.

Anyway, on to the commentating nonsense.

'It was spectacular and tame in equal measure' - It was shit

'He stopped the cross by not stopping it' - He just waved his leg in the air a bit and put the other player off.

'He's not the sort of referee you want if the game's a minger' - Lawro, referring to his distaste of the fussy referee during the Germany/Portugal match, drops in some young person's words to show he can keep it real.

'Powering across, he was like a runaway train!' - He couldn't stop himself from barging into the other player and dumping him on the turf

'They haven't been asked too many questions by the Portugese' - The Germans haven't had to defend much so far. No questions have actually been asked, in any language.

'He's used his experience there' - He's committed a sneaky foul that no one has seen.

'That is desperatley disappointing for a team of Holland's ability' - The player has done something amazingly shit, like hit the corner flag while shooting, and I am trying to express my disgust in a polite manner.

'Does this remind you of a certain match between Chelsea and Barcelona?' - Said from now on, and forever until the end of time, when a weaker team plays a stronger team.

'That's a teasing ball' - That was a good cross.

'Ronaldo was giving Postiga a mouthful' - Ronaldo was telling Postiga off, not filling his gaping maw with latin spunk.

'First game syndrome' - said whenever a team's opening match in a group is a cagey, tight affair.

And today's highlight from the lady-friend :

'How do they know which countries can take part in the Euro's?' - Mostly, they allow the European ones.