Euro 2012 - Part 2

Another day of cracking matches - although the scores were low, the names were big, and humblings abound for the wasteful Dutch. The Germans almost blew it but ground out a result against the very defensive Portugese, who seemed more afraid to lose than keen to win. After their great performance in the last 20 minutes you were barking angirly at the TV, for they should have spent the whole game playing with such verve and direction.

The commentating highlight was surely Mark Lawrenson, where upon the stadium camera cutting to the picture below and showing a man wearing an all-over black morphsuit, proudly exclaimed 'Oh look, it's Eric the Eel.'

Crime is always a problem in morphsuit ghettos

Eric. The Eel. Otherwise known as Eric Moussambani, the infamous Olympic swimmer from Equatorial New Guinea. Well done Lawro. Of all the racist gaffs to make, he picks an obscure entry from a sporting event held 12 years ago. Racism in disguise, if you will.

Anyway, on to the commentating nonsense.

'It was spectacular and tame in equal measure' - It was shit

'He stopped the cross by not stopping it' - He just waved his leg in the air a bit and put the other player off.

'He's not the sort of referee you want if the game's a minger' - Lawro, referring to his distaste of the fussy referee during the Germany/Portugal match, drops in some young person's words to show he can keep it real.

'Powering across, he was like a runaway train!' - He couldn't stop himself from barging into the other player and dumping him on the turf

'They haven't been asked too many questions by the Portugese' - The Germans haven't had to defend much so far. No questions have actually been asked, in any language.

'He's used his experience there' - He's committed a sneaky foul that no one has seen.

'That is desperatley disappointing for a team of Holland's ability' - The player has done something amazingly shit, like hit the corner flag while shooting, and I am trying to express my disgust in a polite manner.

'Does this remind you of a certain match between Chelsea and Barcelona?' - Said from now on, and forever until the end of time, when a weaker team plays a stronger team.

'That's a teasing ball' - That was a good cross.

'Ronaldo was giving Postiga a mouthful' - Ronaldo was telling Postiga off, not filling his gaping maw with latin spunk.

'First game syndrome' - said whenever a team's opening match in a group is a cagey, tight affair.

And today's highlight from the lady-friend :

'How do they know which countries can take part in the Euro's?' - Mostly, they allow the European ones.

Euro 2012 - Part 1

Euro 2012 has, as you no doubt know, kicked off with two excellent matches, full of mistakes, stress, goals and people running about a lot. Much better than the bore draws we expected. There seems to be something in the footballing air this year - from the Premiership to the Champions League and beyond, crazy matches have resulted in exciting viewing. Long may this continue.

WHAT'S FOR DINNER MOTHER? MAGGOTS ON TOAST?!

Some gems from the first day, especially from ITV, where Peter Drury is in fine form as master of talking out of one's arse. Seeing Roy Keane and Patrick Viera sat next to each other is also greatly amusing, as is Adrian Chiles asking Viera if he's experienced any racisim so far - delightfully, Patrick doesn't gloss over the issues, and as good as admits live on air that he has. Wonderful.

Anyway, on to the chuff.

'They're going to sit back and let the French come on to them' - No, not English teenage girls on holiday in Paris, but the national team's supposed tactics.

 'He's free to pull a few strings' - He's a lazy bugger but he's good with the ball.

'Uncompromising' - A strong, bulldozerish, dirty player, fond of dumping other players on their arses with a shoulder barge to the back. The whole of the Greek team is 'Uncompromising'

'It's a tough group . . . well, I say tough, it's the easiest' - Mark Bright getting metaphysical on us

'Unbelivable support, as you would expect' - Surely in that case, it is only "believable" support then?

'He got sandwiched' - Not a dubious sexual manouever, but being tackled by two blokes at the same time. Fnar.

'He's like a diesal when he get's going!' - He's slow to start, especially in the cold, but will keep running and running once he's up to speed.

'That was an immediate indescretion' - A Russian player has fouled a Czech within 0.4 seconds of the kickoff.

'Once they got their noses in front, they didn't look back!' - That would be foolish!

'2-0 . . . at scorelines like that, the next goal is huge' - At other scorelines, goals don't matter.

'There's wind in the Czech sails!' - The Czech's have started to play quite well now. There are no boats involved.

Out of the mouths of women comes . . . nonsense

A slight update of footballing wisdom from the lady of the house. No doubt further gems to come during Euro 2012.

'Oh! He's so ugly, we'll never win with him' - After getting a look at Roy Hodgson

'Why do the commentators keep giving out useless stats like 'Chelsea haven't beaten a Spanish team in a European match before' it's pointless, because its different circumstances! It's making me so angry, it's like me saying 'On a Tuesday a fat pigeon has never landed on my roof!' - After getting annoyed at football statistics

'Does he have a disorder? I'm sure I read he has a disorder.' - On Peter Crouch again.

World Cup 2010 - Part the Last

With Euro 2012 descending on us with all the crushing inevitability of a giant racist Hippo, this post brings you the very last of the archive highlights of word-guff from the 2010 World Cup. With the Euro highlights due to begin today at 4:15pm on BBC One, the word-nets and guff-traps have been fully set, ready to capture any and all nonsense that Gary and chums will vomit forth into my ears.

What the stadiums looked like from 12th July 2010 onwards

'That was a little bit Hollywood' - That pass/shot was way too optimistic, and also rubbish

'William Gallas looked like a gazelle that had plopped out of it's mothers womb, and was trying to get it's bandy legs sorted out' - William Gallas has fallen over and it is amusing

'Bambi-esque on ice' - The player slipped over

'The keeper's a big tart doing that' - I think the keeper is being unsportsmanlike (Mick Mcarthy)

'A buccaneering run' - A powerful and exciting run towards goal with the ball

'He's a little will o'wisp figure' - He's small

'I always thought there was a look of "Hannibal Lectar" about Bob Bradly' - I think Bob Bradley looks silly so I am making a comment explaining this

'Xavi…one of the worlds best pingers' - Xavi is good at passing the ball

'Have another frankfurter!' - The Germans are playing well and deserve recognition of some kind (Mick Mcarthy)

'He just got a nose to it' - He managed to glance the ball with the tip of his forehead

'He's getting a roasting from his keeper!' - His keeper is telling him off for making a mistake

'Gyan with a speculator!' - Gyan has shot from long range

'Germany only failed to get out of the group stages once in the World Cup, in 1938…but Germany probably had something else on their minds then' - I am making a reference to the war, but don't actually want to come out and say it plainly

'The seductive touch of those who massage the ball around' - Spain are really good at passing

'He can make the ball sit up and beg' - He is good at controlling the ball

'Look at Tevez, like a one man battleship trying to wrestle through the German back line' - Tevez is playing well and trying really hard

'NOW they're hungry!' - The team was playing rubbish, but is playing good now

A break from World Cup 2010 archives : Football + Girlfriend = ?

So today we are taking a quick break from delving into our World Cup 2010 archives, for an unusual commentating twist - we are taking a look at the viewpoint of my lady friend, who decided to watch the final Premier League Match of the Day of the 2012 season with me, featuring the amazing win and title victory by Manchester City. So just what DO girls think of football? If only we could ask them readers, if only they could talk. But we can't! We can never know what goes on inside their fluffy minds. They would just go mad. I did however, managed to record a number of pearls of wisdom from my female co-commentator. Enjoy.

FUCKING GET IN, YOU CUNTS!

'Oh my God! What's happened to his head? Why do Manchester City collect people who look like burns victims?' - Upon seeing Joleen Lescott for the first time, and also referring to Carlos Tevez's neck.

'Spider legs! How does he even stand up?! It makes me feel sick' - Upon seeing Peter Crouch

'Oh he's so ugly . . . we'll never win with him' - Seeing Roy Hodgson for the first time.

'Oh he's freaking me out so much, he's going to do a poo!' - Seeing Arsenal goalkeeper Szczęsny yelling loudly at his own defence in anger.

'Does he not have a wife!? Someone do his hair!' - Shocked at Roy Hodgsons messy and bedraggled appearance.

'He looks a bit like Angelina Jolie . . . if she was a little wizened old man' - analysing Alan Pardew

'Don't touch him! He's a racist . . . he'll have to wash himself now.' - watching Essien hug John Terry after JT scores a header.


'Look at him, he's like a terrier, and Carroll, he's like a St Bernard. No. More like a Doberman!' - Watching Ashley Williams kick/tackle Carroll before their little scuffle.

World Cup 2010 - Part 6

The neverending nonsense from the World Cup 2010 archives continues - there's no stopping it people!

The Jabbuthingy - vital to redesign the ball every 2 years to find new type of roundness

'His feet are sweet' - He is good at controlling the football

'He literally GREW in front of the number 9'  - He jumped higher than the other player

'The ball in was delicious' - That was a good cross

'They're not quite on the same wavelength there' - Either the passer or the reciever of the ball has fucked up - or both

'Serbia are in red, Ghana are in white' - As if you couldn't tell all the black players were from Ghana

'Team X have really given Team Y something to think about' - Team X are playing quite well, despite me saying beforehand they were rubbish

'When he hits them, they stay hit!' - He can shoot very hard

'A charming ball user' - A skilled player

"Just put it in the box, make them defend" - Attacking 101 from Mick Mcarthy

"The last thing either team want to do is lose" - Mick Mcarthy and his football philosophy

'The strikers' trying to feel him from behind, and he doesn't allow it' - The defender is making sure the striker cannot block him

"Teams win games" - Quote from Mick Mcarthy

"It's parasite football" - They are just latching on waiting for an opportunity without trying to attack (Mick Mcarthy again)

World Cup 2010 - Part 5

The torrent of shit from the World Cup archives continues to flow - there is literally no stopping it. We are now on Part 5 of our World Cup 2010 retrospective, analysing the commentating nonsense spouted during the tournament in South Africa.

You absolute fucking spazzer

'That was a searching ball' - A long, crap pass that goes out for a throw in

'That was a speculative/ambitious/brave attempt' - A long range shot which misses, often by a mile.

'What a romantic story that would have been' - Commentator attempts to console fans of smaller team that has just been thrashed, by indicating it would have been nice if they had won

'It's a greasy pitch' - It has rained and the pitch is wet. There is no grease in sight.

'He loves it to feet' - Stupid phrase that implies the commentator believes some players are incapable of having it "to feet", despite the game being called football

'This is mouth-watering football' - This game is quite exciting

'They are flexing their muscles now' - One team is starting to play better than the other

'He's got big goals in him' - Common Tlydlsey quote, whereby he assumes a player is saving up goals for a special occasion

'He doesn't stand on ceremony!' - Usually said after a defender has dumped a smaller player on his arse with a violent shoulder barge

'He knows where the goals are' - The player is aware of the location of the goal and goalposts, relevant to his own position, even when not looking directly at them. Useful for any footballer.

'He doesn't need a second invitation to shoot!' - As if some players stand around, waiting for opposition defenders to say "Go on then, have a crack son"