It's coming....

It's there. In the distance. Sneaking up on you like a bulldozer crossed with a freight train. It's not here yet, but the shockwaves are, like the ripples in the water cup in Jurassic Park. You see Ronaldo advertising Doritos. David Luis advertising Pepsi. Joe Hart advertising everything.

What a hoot

THE FOOT-TO-BALL WORLD CUP IS COMING AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT! GORGE ON YOUR FOOTBALL FEAST UNTIL YOU EXPLODE! EAT IT! EAT THAT FOOTBALL GOODNESS!

A month to go, and we begin to enter the realm of pre-tournmanent excitment. We're not fully there - just a 2 on the excitometer, but it's building. There are not yet England flags attached to the cars of idiots, but occasionally you catch sight of a Panini sticker album in a shop, or someone reading an article on Brazilian economic protests. ITV play a quick 5 second teaser trailer of some people looking excited. You stare, momentarily confused, at a Brazilian flavoured Pot Noodle in Tesco's.

We have also entered Stage Two of England Team Predictions - the squad is out, it's actually not that bad - this is the most dangerous stage, where hope can creep in. Poisonous hope. The hope that will be your friend for weeks then slit your throat while passing you a beer, when England are camped on the edge of their penalty box in the last sixteen. Stage One was fine - anyone can deal with Stage One, of course - it is the Stage of resignation, of realisation that England aren't going to do well, the final wake up call that we are really a second tier International team. Even the Daily Mail and The Sun, after over two decades of hyperbole and reality-defying expectations, appear to have finally come around to the truth. Everyone was on the same page - England are okay, we're not great, we have some good young players, let's go there and have fun and not worry too much. It's fine.

But now, creeping hope seeps in, and you're doomed. Doomed to think 'What if...?' I've seen it all before. So many times. I could write you a script of how it will play out. But that's for another post.

For now, this is merely the warmup to the World Cup buzz, with a few examples from the back end of a (rather good) season.

'He was just unable to bring the ball under his spell' - The man miscontrolled the football. He is not a wizard of any kind.

'Sweetly struck but it was always rising' - He hit it really hard but it missed.

'You don't want to head it, well, you don't win cup finals'- That man was not trying hard enough for my liking. More passion!

Hull played Arsenal in the FA Cup final a short time ago . The Girlfriend is a Hull fan, so as you can imagine, there was some entertaining commentary.

'Please get rid of the ball...FUCKS SAKE!!' - Girlfriend watching Hull vs Arsenal. Hull did not get rid in the 0.1 microseconds that she required.

'Just fucking run with the ball and put it in!' - Girlfriend's attacking advice to Hull's strikeforce.

'Beep beep beep!!' - Girlfriend's higher cognitive functions break down due to stress of the match and she resorts to making random beeping noises.

Blart blart

Before we proceed with the new season, we have something from the archives - a long lost unpublished post with a wide variety of nonsense, fished out from the depths of the blogging drawer, where it had got lost behind a stapler and pack of polos. Enjoy.

Clive Tyldesley - molester of ears

'I think he's a top, top player.' - Andy Townsend on Cristano Ronaldo.

'He's not going to find that too easy, as Danny Wellbeck is going to be staring him straight in the face!'- Danny Wellbecks' face puts people off.

'If (Real Madrid) they score tonight, Manchester United will probably have to win this game to progress.' - No shit Clive Tyldesley.

'He looks like a second-string goalkeeper to me.' - What Andy Townsend is really thinking : I don't know who he is, and I don't care for the way his shirt is untucked.
'Well, he has played 50 times in Europe' - I know more than you Andy, replies Clive.

'He's got blatant pace, Clive' - He's so fast you can notice how fast he is.

'He's put a little bit too much steam on it' - The pass was overhit

'Defenders don't like guys who get in the six-yard box and score goals.' - They are just the worst!

'Robin Van Persie has done a passable impression of a newborn giraffe who couldn't work it's legs out.' - Robin Van Persie fell over.

'Jose Enrique is doing the front crawl trying to get to that.' - Jose Enrique is running fast and waving his arms

'He presented it on a silver platter for his teammate, but he just wasn't eating.' - The teammate messed up a simple goal scoring opportunity despite a good pass.

'McAnuff has been teasing Matt Lowton for the last five minutes.' - Not worth thinking about too much this one, dirty.

Gary Lineker -'Why did Villa come out on top Alan?'
Alan Hansen - 'Well, for a start, Villa were the better side.' - Alan nails it.

'If you cannot defend properly, you are in massive trouble, especially if you're near the bottom of the table.' - Hansen again. You don't need to defend properly if you are at the top of the table, obviously.

New Season - 2013/2014

Once more the football season descends upon us, like an orgy of overripe maidens, tearing at our clothes with their footbally goodness, desperate to suckle at the teats of our viewership. After the climax of the orgasmic transfer window in which Bale finally made his tedious move and the Ozil transfer provided some genuine interest, we find ourselves left with the sour taste of the addict, unable to tear away, desperate for more, yet hating ourselves even as we do so.

"His face literally makes me want to vomit, then force him to eat it"

- Dame Judi Dench, on Robbie Savage, 2013

News on this years pundit lineup on BBC One’s Match of The Day first brought us hopeful joy, only to swiftly shatter it with the sledgehammer of despair shortly after – we learnt in August that Alan Hansen will be retiring at the end of the season, with Mark Lawrenson also reducing his duties – followed by the news that floppy-haired nothing Robbie Savage, the wardrobe inspiration for interior decorators UK-wide, will be joined by Michael ‘one day I will have an opinion’ Owen. God save us. It’s like being rescued from the Titanic by a ship that is taking you directly to Auschwitz. I may or may not have my time periods confused here. That is for you to decide. 

 'Playing at this level, you have to take your chances' - Yes Lee Dixon. Unlike at League 1 level, where you can completley ignore the opportunity to score goals, and win by playing the best hand of Bridge.

'He has got a goal in him' - This player can score goals. His body does not literally contain a net and a set of posts in a tardis-esque fashion.

'This fixture was always about the result, the outcome' - Unlike all the other fixtures, where it doesn't matter who wins.

'Ironically, their strength could turn out to be one of their weaknesses' - An absolute belter from Sir Alan of Shearer.

'Arsenal struggle without the ball' - Despite having the 2nd best defence last season?

'They dig in when they are under the cosh' - Alan again, murdering some more metaphors.

And a special section from the goldmine of guff that is the one-man nonsense machine, Brendan Rogers.

'We have a way to win games other than just playing football.' - Mind literally blown.

'Football is very much about opinion' - I thought it was very much about scoring and preventing goals?

'Our perception is what we think about ourselves.' - Brendan Rogers, dictionary for hire.

And a select few of the girlfriend's observations on the first few weeks of the new season - 

'I'm sorry, 97 minutes?! Why isn't this match finishing . . . fuck off!' - Getting annoyed at the amount of added time 

'Malky Mackay?! Are you kidding me . . . don't be a twat. Your name's just fucking Malcolm, deal with it.' - On seeing the Cardiff manager.

'Pellegrini?! Haha, that's just a type of fancy water isn't it?' - On seeing the new Manchester City boss for the first time.

'Uhh, his eyes, don't look at his eyes. He's like the demon headmaster . . . they're milky.' - On closer inspection of the same man.

'SHOOT IT!' - getting overexcited by Arsenal dithering around on the edge of the box again.

'Ugh, everybodies numbers are way too high these days. I mean, look there, number 39 . . . fuck off' - Disgusted by players with high numbers on the back of their shirts.

Solid

A solid collection of commentating garbage from this weekend. A nice 7/10. Top, top work, as a member of the Redknapp family might say.

'There's Louis Arteta!' - John Motson continues his descent into senility.

'On another day, Villa might have got a point' - Alan Shearer ponders the quantum theory of football.

'He's a good forager' - This player is quick to see an opportunity to score a goal. He does not collect nuts and berries.

'That's a tasty elbow' - This player has craftily poked his elbow into the face of an opponent to put him off. The actual elbow has no flavour at all.

'A tackle as clean as a whistle.' - A good tackle.

'Wigan asking some serious questions now' - Wigan are playing better and look likely to score. They are not asking their opponents what the cube root of 369 is, nor are they asking what the population density per km squared is in Zanzibar.

'Di Santo couldn't quite grow enough.' - Di Santo couldn't quite jump high enough to head the ball. Di Santo is already a fully grown man.

'When he hits it, they stay hit!' - He has hit the ball very hard. It remains hit, until gravity and wind resistence bring it to a halt. It does not defy the laws of physics.

'Running the channels' - Moving within a vague and undefined area on the flanks of the final third of the pitch in order to seek space.

And some more quotes from the girlfriend -

'Samba! That has got to be a black man's name.'

'Put it in! That was BULLSHIT!'

'Run at it! Fucking scare them that they are going to get hurt!'

Football me 'till I SQUIRT

There is no escape from football at the moment. The knockout phases of both the Champions League and the Europa League are in full swing, as well as FA Cup and League Cup shenanigans. The exasperated cries of womenfolk are heard throughout the land 'Not ANOTHER match?!'

Don't fight it. Nobody can stop it. Football is upon us, like a crushing stampede of sport, and who are the cattle rangers driving this? Clive Tyldsley and Andy Townsend. There is no hope. No hope at all. We've died inside. Grey and worthless, the senseless noise of Townsend fills our ears, and we die inside.

'If anything Clive, I've commentated TOO well'

'Baines is more of a floater' - An unpleasant image for all concerned.

'They write their own stories here!' - My own misguided view of how the game was to pan out has proved to be remarkably innacurate.

'There is a corporate determination now about Blackburn Rovers'

'Arsenal are penetrated!' - More unpleasantness.

'That's a big diagonal!' - Having diagonals too small would be most unwise.

'This is the ball on the other foot now!' - Townsend mixes his metaphors to produce some bizarre offspring.

'Put it in there, get people around it, make people uncomfortable' - Andy lets us in on another tactical masterclass.

'Just how fit is John Terry after his abscence . . .  well, he's come up for this corner.' - Professional athlete jogs 30 yards, Clive Tyldesley is impressed

'Good shot . . . he missed the target.' - So it's not really a good shot is it Ian Wright? It's more of a shit shot.

'Chelsea are knocking at the door, which they have done all afternoon . . . at intervals'

'Ironically, it's a long-ball up' - Andy Townsend gets confused about irony. Again.

'It's all about taking your chances at this level' - Unlike at say, league 2 level, where it's all about plaiting hair and training weasels

'Chelsea haven't exactly pulled up any trees here' - Chelsea have not been impressive so far.

'They can be amongst the goals, pretty quickly, they are that sort of team' - They are able to score quickly. It is always a good thing to be 'amongst the goals', even 'early doors'

'Arsenal's mountain just got a little bit taller' - Arsenal have conceded very early in a tough match. Again.

'That's a nonsense goal' - That was fucking shite from the defending team and even I could do better

'It was a tester for Lahm' - That was a difficult situation for Lahm to deal with, but he did ok.

'If anything, he hits it TOO well, Clive' -100% classic Townsend. He hasn't hit it too well Andy! He's done exactly the opposite of hitting it too well! He's hit it too badly, and it's been saved/missed.

'Arsenal are staring down the barrel of a gun again' - Arsenal are on the verge of losing heavily. They will not actually be executed in any way.

'On his left foot there, taking the shot . . . and there's no real pedigree there' - He is shit on his left foot

European Football A-go-go

THE BIGGEST MATCH IN THE UNIVERSE, this week, with the first leg of Real Madrid Vs Manchester United. FOOTBALL! EUROPEAN! 1ST LEG AHGRHGRH. It was literally so exciting the media could not spin it up with enough hyperbole. Pants were wetted. They had run out of words.

The commentators however, being the cunning old pros that they are, certainly hadn't. Oh no my friend. They took mere words, and sounds, and conjured them into a beautiful mosaic of noise, painting a picture in our brains. Clive Tyldesley and Andy Townsend. How can we mortals fathom such genius? We can't. To try it to is to blaspheme. We can only bow down and let it wash over us, as grateful as a worm for the cold embrace of the soil.

Talented prick

'That was an educated ball forward' - That was a good pass

'Neil Lennon's done something different tonight, they've asked questions of Juventus, and most of them have registered.' - Neil Lennon has planned his tactics well. Even though they lost 3-0.

'Neil Lennon's been chatting to Capello and Roy Hodgson. He's been taking it in. He's a learner!' - A man?! Learning things?! With his brain?! WHAT A PONCE.

'He's got NO RIGHT to save that!' - The goalkeeper has pulled off a good save, rights or no.

'Wellbeck pulls off Ramos' - A classic from Townsend.

'Sergio Ramos is a provocative player' - I think he is a bit of a cunt but I cannot say that live on ITV.

'He's started to make Manchester United dance to his tune' - He is playing well.

'Andre Villas Boas - i'm glad to see he's giving this competition the respect it is due' - Andy Townsend discussing the well known media-invented problem of AVB 'disrespecting' certain competitions, like the F.A. Cup, because he is a foreigner who doesn't understand our ways. Even though Andy Townsend clearly thinks the Europa League is a pile of shit.

'Malbranque between the legs of Adebayor . . . he would have enjoyed that' - Tyldesley conjures up an unwanted and disturbing image.

Low Buzz Count

Bit of a low buzz count over the last couple of weeks. Perhaps the cold is freezing up the buzz-nodes in the brains of the football commentators, but there has been precious few examples of commentating foolery recently. I cannot imagine this situation will last very long.

"Oh bugger"

'He's idling with intent' - He's goalhanging

'Now they have to do it the hard way!' - The favourite team have let one or more goals in to supposedly inferior opposition.

'He had the confidence to take it on' - He's a greedy bugger

'They are an honest and determined team' - They are dirty and attempt to kick their opponents off the park

'He's very competitive' - He will foul more skillful players mercilessly

And a selection of more golden quotes from the girlfriend -

'Yes! Hit it as hard as you can, THAT is how you play a game with a ball. Just like snooker.' - Upon seeing a free kick hit really hard and blazed over the bar.

'Maybe they're trained like soldiers, you know, indoctrinated - when they see a goal, they can't help but put a ball in it.' - After seeing Gareth Barry pass a ball accurately into his own net.

'Fucking close him down you cocksuckers!'  - Getting overexcited after a player runs past two others and gets a shot off

'Hi Roy! Aww, it's like he doesn't know where he is.' - After seeing a confused looking Roy Hodgson in the crowd for a game.

'Urgh, why do you want to touch him, he's all spangly' - After someone hugs Peter Crouch.

ITV can be shit too (again)

It's been a while, but time for an update. Quite a few have been clogging up various notepads.

He's got all the pieces, but they just don't add up right

This weekend was fourth round FA Cup weekend, and gave us the opportunity to remember that ITV can be just as shit at commentary as the BBC can. Well done ITV. The weekend's FA cup highlights were presented by the curious face of Matt Smith, of whom all the pieces are slightly the wrong size, as if put together with bodyparts from a variety of different people. Clark Carlise and Gordon Strachan, his co-pundits, were excellent however, Carlise in particular, impressively using such words as 'potency' and 'exquisite' - descriptions not often used, or understood, by footballers.

'The game plan was always to stay in the game' - Vital

'They made it very very difficult today' - They are a dirty team and fouled us loads.

'The goalkeeper has been beaten all ends up!' - The goalkeeper made a fool or himself and/or the ball was struck very hard

'He's opted for the direct approach.' - He's panicked and blindly hoofed the ball upfield.

'You've got to play against Stoke' - As opposed to dancing against them? Singing?

'He's really got to bomb on from there' - He must run faster. Only wingers or full-backs can ever 'bomb on'

'He's got a spicy reception today' - 30,000 people are calling him a cunt.

'It was a team that I put out to win the game, and up until the 80th minute, they were successfully doing that' - We lost.

'It's a throwback to the heyday of yesteryear!' - A footballer has done something sportsmanlike, such as not kicking a ballboy, or diving.

'The panic button has been pushed.' - The owner has sacked a manager very soon after appointing him, in order to look like he knows what he's doing.

'The young lads are doing a lot of running but the ball's just not running for them' - The team are running around like idiots and panicking.

'What are the positives of Man United's win, Michael?' 'The 3 points' - Michael Owen proves he is as sharp on the pundits couch as he was in the penalty box.

'That was decadent stuff!' - The player just pulled off a nice piece of skill.

And some recent gems from the ladyfriend . . .

'Brian McDermott looks like he's just got off a market stall. Mangoes, two for a paaaand!' - Lady friend thinks Brian McDermott looks like a market trader.

Me - 'Do you remember that man?'
Her - 'Ummm . . . '
Me - 'You said once that he looked like Angelina Jolie.'
Her - 'Oh yes! Yes stick a black wig on him and you've got Jolie when she's 50.'
Upon seeing Alan Pardew.

(In a sing-song voice) 'He's almost black, he's almost black, Chris Houghtoooon . . . he's-not-quite-black.'

'Snodgrass?! That's like a name from a Just William book.'

Upon seeing a defending player in a free kick wall get penalized for knocking it with his hand 'Why has he got a yellow card?! If anything he was knocking the ball AWAY from goal . . . wait . . . that came out wrong.'

'Oh look, more black armbands! Somebodies cat must've died.'

'Urgh look, there's so many crevices in his face, I can't concentrate on him, it's ridiculous.' Looking at Harry Redknapp.

Euro 2012 - Part the 3rd

We're now into the last set of group matches, and after a particularly heart-attack inducing England match last night (MORE PASSION LADS, THAT'S IT!), I'm recovering quite well today, and have collated the latest entries into the Commentators Hall of Shite. Enjoy.

Absolutely bloody terrifying

 'He buys the ticket Ramos, but he doesn't always win the prize.' - Ramos likes to dive a lot but the ref doesn't fall for it.

'So Patrick, what is going to be going on in the French dressing room right now? A glass of claret and some Coq Au Vin?' - Adrian Chiles being racist with Patrick Vieira. But it doesn't matter does it, because they're only French after all - it's fun racism.

'They're going to need a result - either way - of some kind' - The one, the only, Andy Townsend.

'You need to keep him disinteresed' - The best way of ensuring Ibrahimovic doesn't play well, apparently. Maybe he could listen to your commentary, Andy?

'He splits opinion' - Some people think he is a cunt, but I'm not allowed to say that.

'It was threatening to dip' - It didn't dip, and went over the goal by a mile

'Just play with your heads!'  - Stop panicking and calm down. Feet will still be used.

'He pulls his man off at the far post' - Not what you think. Stop snickering.

'He's got an educated left foot' - One up from a cultured left foot.

'Being one-nil up, this situation completely suits Germany' - Yes, winning often does suit a team quite well.

'Ozil there, running through the midfield, with eyes like a cartoon fish.' - He looks funny, this is amusing to me.

'He's an engimatic player' - Sometimes he can be a bit shit. Ibrahimovic is always described as Enigmatic.

'He's a talismanic figure for them!' - An 'enigmatic player' is automatically promoted to a 'talismanic figure' if he scores during a game. Again, always applies to Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

'He scored that goal like he's been doing it all his life!' - Being a striker for an international team, that's because he probably has.

'Elm squirts it away!' - Elm just about clears the ball to safety in time.

'That footballing brain is still alive' - Despite the rest of him being knackered. Often applied to any player over the age of 30.

And today's extracts from the mind of the girl sharing my flat...

'Who's he?! Isn't he from Rizzlekicks?' - Upon seeing Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain.

'Do you think he feels bad for wearing the spacker helmet?' - Upon seeing Petr Cech.

'His voice makes me want to kill myself.' - Upon hearing Mark Lawrenson

'He does look a bit like a newt. Ohhh, I hate newts. No! He looks like Dobby. Dobby the house-German' - Upon seeing Mesut Ozil.

Euro 2012 - Part 2

Another day of cracking matches - although the scores were low, the names were big, and humblings abound for the wasteful Dutch. The Germans almost blew it but ground out a result against the very defensive Portugese, who seemed more afraid to lose than keen to win. After their great performance in the last 20 minutes you were barking angirly at the TV, for they should have spent the whole game playing with such verve and direction.

The commentating highlight was surely Mark Lawrenson, where upon the stadium camera cutting to the picture below and showing a man wearing an all-over black morphsuit, proudly exclaimed 'Oh look, it's Eric the Eel.'

Crime is always a problem in morphsuit ghettos

Eric. The Eel. Otherwise known as Eric Moussambani, the infamous Olympic swimmer from Equatorial New Guinea. Well done Lawro. Of all the racist gaffs to make, he picks an obscure entry from a sporting event held 12 years ago. Racism in disguise, if you will.

Anyway, on to the commentating nonsense.

'It was spectacular and tame in equal measure' - It was shit

'He stopped the cross by not stopping it' - He just waved his leg in the air a bit and put the other player off.

'He's not the sort of referee you want if the game's a minger' - Lawro, referring to his distaste of the fussy referee during the Germany/Portugal match, drops in some young person's words to show he can keep it real.

'Powering across, he was like a runaway train!' - He couldn't stop himself from barging into the other player and dumping him on the turf

'They haven't been asked too many questions by the Portugese' - The Germans haven't had to defend much so far. No questions have actually been asked, in any language.

'He's used his experience there' - He's committed a sneaky foul that no one has seen.

'That is desperatley disappointing for a team of Holland's ability' - The player has done something amazingly shit, like hit the corner flag while shooting, and I am trying to express my disgust in a polite manner.

'Does this remind you of a certain match between Chelsea and Barcelona?' - Said from now on, and forever until the end of time, when a weaker team plays a stronger team.

'That's a teasing ball' - That was a good cross.

'Ronaldo was giving Postiga a mouthful' - Ronaldo was telling Postiga off, not filling his gaping maw with latin spunk.

'First game syndrome' - said whenever a team's opening match in a group is a cagey, tight affair.

And today's highlight from the lady-friend :

'How do they know which countries can take part in the Euro's?' - Mostly, they allow the European ones.

Euro 2012 - Part 1

Euro 2012 has, as you no doubt know, kicked off with two excellent matches, full of mistakes, stress, goals and people running about a lot. Much better than the bore draws we expected. There seems to be something in the footballing air this year - from the Premiership to the Champions League and beyond, crazy matches have resulted in exciting viewing. Long may this continue.

WHAT'S FOR DINNER MOTHER? MAGGOTS ON TOAST?!

Some gems from the first day, especially from ITV, where Peter Drury is in fine form as master of talking out of one's arse. Seeing Roy Keane and Patrick Viera sat next to each other is also greatly amusing, as is Adrian Chiles asking Viera if he's experienced any racisim so far - delightfully, Patrick doesn't gloss over the issues, and as good as admits live on air that he has. Wonderful.

Anyway, on to the chuff.

'They're going to sit back and let the French come on to them' - No, not English teenage girls on holiday in Paris, but the national team's supposed tactics.

 'He's free to pull a few strings' - He's a lazy bugger but he's good with the ball.

'Uncompromising' - A strong, bulldozerish, dirty player, fond of dumping other players on their arses with a shoulder barge to the back. The whole of the Greek team is 'Uncompromising'

'It's a tough group . . . well, I say tough, it's the easiest' - Mark Bright getting metaphysical on us

'Unbelivable support, as you would expect' - Surely in that case, it is only "believable" support then?

'He got sandwiched' - Not a dubious sexual manouever, but being tackled by two blokes at the same time. Fnar.

'He's like a diesal when he get's going!' - He's slow to start, especially in the cold, but will keep running and running once he's up to speed.

'That was an immediate indescretion' - A Russian player has fouled a Czech within 0.4 seconds of the kickoff.

'Once they got their noses in front, they didn't look back!' - That would be foolish!

'2-0 . . . at scorelines like that, the next goal is huge' - At other scorelines, goals don't matter.

'There's wind in the Czech sails!' - The Czech's have started to play quite well now. There are no boats involved.

Out of the mouths of women comes . . . nonsense

A slight update of footballing wisdom from the lady of the house. No doubt further gems to come during Euro 2012.

'Oh! He's so ugly, we'll never win with him' - After getting a look at Roy Hodgson

'Why do the commentators keep giving out useless stats like 'Chelsea haven't beaten a Spanish team in a European match before' it's pointless, because its different circumstances! It's making me so angry, it's like me saying 'On a Tuesday a fat pigeon has never landed on my roof!' - After getting annoyed at football statistics

'Does he have a disorder? I'm sure I read he has a disorder.' - On Peter Crouch again.

World Cup 2010 - Part the Last

With Euro 2012 descending on us with all the crushing inevitability of a giant racist Hippo, this post brings you the very last of the archive highlights of word-guff from the 2010 World Cup. With the Euro highlights due to begin today at 4:15pm on BBC One, the word-nets and guff-traps have been fully set, ready to capture any and all nonsense that Gary and chums will vomit forth into my ears.

What the stadiums looked like from 12th July 2010 onwards

'That was a little bit Hollywood' - That pass/shot was way too optimistic, and also rubbish

'William Gallas looked like a gazelle that had plopped out of it's mothers womb, and was trying to get it's bandy legs sorted out' - William Gallas has fallen over and it is amusing

'Bambi-esque on ice' - The player slipped over

'The keeper's a big tart doing that' - I think the keeper is being unsportsmanlike (Mick Mcarthy)

'A buccaneering run' - A powerful and exciting run towards goal with the ball

'He's a little will o'wisp figure' - He's small

'I always thought there was a look of "Hannibal Lectar" about Bob Bradly' - I think Bob Bradley looks silly so I am making a comment explaining this

'Xavi…one of the worlds best pingers' - Xavi is good at passing the ball

'Have another frankfurter!' - The Germans are playing well and deserve recognition of some kind (Mick Mcarthy)

'He just got a nose to it' - He managed to glance the ball with the tip of his forehead

'He's getting a roasting from his keeper!' - His keeper is telling him off for making a mistake

'Gyan with a speculator!' - Gyan has shot from long range

'Germany only failed to get out of the group stages once in the World Cup, in 1938…but Germany probably had something else on their minds then' - I am making a reference to the war, but don't actually want to come out and say it plainly

'The seductive touch of those who massage the ball around' - Spain are really good at passing

'He can make the ball sit up and beg' - He is good at controlling the ball

'Look at Tevez, like a one man battleship trying to wrestle through the German back line' - Tevez is playing well and trying really hard

'NOW they're hungry!' - The team was playing rubbish, but is playing good now

A break from World Cup 2010 archives : Football + Girlfriend = ?

So today we are taking a quick break from delving into our World Cup 2010 archives, for an unusual commentating twist - we are taking a look at the viewpoint of my lady friend, who decided to watch the final Premier League Match of the Day of the 2012 season with me, featuring the amazing win and title victory by Manchester City. So just what DO girls think of football? If only we could ask them readers, if only they could talk. But we can't! We can never know what goes on inside their fluffy minds. They would just go mad. I did however, managed to record a number of pearls of wisdom from my female co-commentator. Enjoy.

FUCKING GET IN, YOU CUNTS!

'Oh my God! What's happened to his head? Why do Manchester City collect people who look like burns victims?' - Upon seeing Joleen Lescott for the first time, and also referring to Carlos Tevez's neck.

'Spider legs! How does he even stand up?! It makes me feel sick' - Upon seeing Peter Crouch

'Oh he's so ugly . . . we'll never win with him' - Seeing Roy Hodgson for the first time.

'Oh he's freaking me out so much, he's going to do a poo!' - Seeing Arsenal goalkeeper Szczęsny yelling loudly at his own defence in anger.

'Does he not have a wife!? Someone do his hair!' - Shocked at Roy Hodgsons messy and bedraggled appearance.

'He looks a bit like Angelina Jolie . . . if she was a little wizened old man' - analysing Alan Pardew

'Don't touch him! He's a racist . . . he'll have to wash himself now.' - watching Essien hug John Terry after JT scores a header.


'Look at him, he's like a terrier, and Carroll, he's like a St Bernard. No. More like a Doberman!' - Watching Ashley Williams kick/tackle Carroll before their little scuffle.

World Cup 2010 - Part 6

The neverending nonsense from the World Cup 2010 archives continues - there's no stopping it people!

The Jabbuthingy - vital to redesign the ball every 2 years to find new type of roundness

'His feet are sweet' - He is good at controlling the football

'He literally GREW in front of the number 9'  - He jumped higher than the other player

'The ball in was delicious' - That was a good cross

'They're not quite on the same wavelength there' - Either the passer or the reciever of the ball has fucked up - or both

'Serbia are in red, Ghana are in white' - As if you couldn't tell all the black players were from Ghana

'Team X have really given Team Y something to think about' - Team X are playing quite well, despite me saying beforehand they were rubbish

'When he hits them, they stay hit!' - He can shoot very hard

'A charming ball user' - A skilled player

"Just put it in the box, make them defend" - Attacking 101 from Mick Mcarthy

"The last thing either team want to do is lose" - Mick Mcarthy and his football philosophy

'The strikers' trying to feel him from behind, and he doesn't allow it' - The defender is making sure the striker cannot block him

"Teams win games" - Quote from Mick Mcarthy

"It's parasite football" - They are just latching on waiting for an opportunity without trying to attack (Mick Mcarthy again)

World Cup 2010 - Part 5

The torrent of shit from the World Cup archives continues to flow - there is literally no stopping it. We are now on Part 5 of our World Cup 2010 retrospective, analysing the commentating nonsense spouted during the tournament in South Africa.

You absolute fucking spazzer

'That was a searching ball' - A long, crap pass that goes out for a throw in

'That was a speculative/ambitious/brave attempt' - A long range shot which misses, often by a mile.

'What a romantic story that would have been' - Commentator attempts to console fans of smaller team that has just been thrashed, by indicating it would have been nice if they had won

'It's a greasy pitch' - It has rained and the pitch is wet. There is no grease in sight.

'He loves it to feet' - Stupid phrase that implies the commentator believes some players are incapable of having it "to feet", despite the game being called football

'This is mouth-watering football' - This game is quite exciting

'They are flexing their muscles now' - One team is starting to play better than the other

'He's got big goals in him' - Common Tlydlsey quote, whereby he assumes a player is saving up goals for a special occasion

'He doesn't stand on ceremony!' - Usually said after a defender has dumped a smaller player on his arse with a violent shoulder barge

'He knows where the goals are' - The player is aware of the location of the goal and goalposts, relevant to his own position, even when not looking directly at them. Useful for any footballer.

'He doesn't need a second invitation to shoot!' - As if some players stand around, waiting for opposition defenders to say "Go on then, have a crack son"

World Cup 2010 - Part 4

The tide of commentating filth was neverending at the last World Cup. Part 4 below - even more Parts to follow.

Spanish player interrupts De Jong's breakdancing practice

'On paper, they should beat them…' - How the result of the game should be played out, if calculated through some mathematical formula, especially when the commentator doesn't know much about one of the sides

'Cross-come-shot' - A wild hack which results in the ball entering the box at a random velocity and direction

'He's gone down in installments there' - A diving player has gradually fallen over to attract the refs attention

'He can do a job' - An average quality footballer is bigged up for his ability to run about a lot like a Labrador chasing a Frisbee, e.g. Dirk Kuyt

'They'll just go out there and enjoy themselves' - Said patronizingly of any low ranked team in the World Cup

'Absolutely top-drawer' - Another Andy Townsend-ism. Presumably because Andy keeps his most special things in his top drawer at home.

'He will be disappointed with that/he knows he should have done better' - A crap shot/pass/free kick that instead of being simply called crap, is described in such a way as to make sure the commentator doesn't get in trouble, for having opinions

'He's unpredictable' - Slightly racist label given to any young, skillful black player

'Bullet/glancing' - The only two types of headers which players can score from

'Put in a good shift' - Description of a knackered looking player being subbed

'If this was a boxing match, it would have been stopped in the first round' - Said whenever a top 5 team has put 3 or more past a very low ranked team

'An inch either side of the keeper and it would have been in!' - A complicated way of saying that if the ball had not been saved, it would have been a goal

'He's picked his pocket' - A neat, clean tackle, often leaving the player without the ball bemused and bewildered

'They've adopted a shoot-on-sight policy' - The team is trying to score long range goals, often by greedy players

'It's damage limitation time now' - Another slightly patronizing phrase, whenever a low ranked team goes 2 or more goals down

'Not like the Brazil of old' - Willing to defend rather than relying on the tactic of 'just score lots of goals and hope they don't too'

'Whipped it in' - Crossed it at high speed. Crosses no longer being fashionable as they lack the potential for the ball to ricochet into the goal off of any player in the box.

'Crashing out' - What England do when deservedly beaten by a better side. Any other team will simply be 'eliminated' or 'knocked out'.

'Effect of the conditions' - Used to explain any team does better or worse than expected. Reasons may include high temperatures, low temperatures, high altitude or particularly fervent national fans. See 'rainy Wednesday at Oldham' phenomenon.

World Cup 2010 - Part the 3rd

Part 3 of our retrospective look at the commentating rubbish from World Cup 2010 continues below - feast your eyes upon the nonsense and despair for all mankind.

What a ridiculous mascot. A cheetah could plainly never play the sport. At most, he would chew the ball and then run away.

'He should at least hit the target from there' - A comment that ignores the fact that doing anything more than hitting the target is scoring a goal.

'This ball's been causing keepers a lot of problems' - Mentioned prior to kick-off. The ball will be called 'unpredictable' and likened to a beach football. Ultimately, no goals will be scored where the ball behaves like anything other than a normal football. This sentence will be uttered everytime a goalie punches the ball.

'Typical Brazilian defender' - The opposite of a 'no-nonsence player'. A defender that, despite all known logic and teachings, has the ability to dribble the ball and pass without shouting the words 'Ave it!' as he hoofs the ball to the big man

'Group of Death' - Never results in fatalities. A term used to describe a group that’s a bit tricky. Contains 2 good teams, a vastly overhyped team, and a team that any Sunday league footballer could have a decent shout of getting into

'He's shown him a clean pair of heels' - Describes a player that has run faster than the opposition. He is not showing his heel at any point, whether they be clean or otherwise

'He's used him by not using him!' - An oxymoron often said by the biggest moron of them all, Townsend. Describes a situation where a player has been a greedy so and so rather than passing it to their better positioned teammate, thus confusing the defender

'You can't do that in this day and age' - Used by reminiscent commentators to pore scorn upon the modern attitude to tackling, after a player has been amputated at the knee by an errant tackle. 

'When he does go down, you know he's hurt' - Unlike those cheating foreigners. Only ever applicable to 'honest pros'

'They will be there or thereabouts at the end of the tournament' - A way of predicting a team will do well at a tournament without any real analysis or informative input. Brazil and Germany will always 'be there or thereabouts'

'The official's got to exercise a bit of common sense there' - Ignoring the fact that no referees anywhere possess common sense, apart from oddly, the bald ones. (See Webb, Howard and Collina, Peirluigi) Often heard after Peter Crouch has jumped yet again using his uber-sharp elbows

'He's elected to punch!' - Often said in surprised tones, indicating that the commentator disapproves of the funny foreign goalkeeper not catching the ball. The goalkeeper has also not actually sat down and conducted a ballot to decide his course of action.

'The ball was smuggled through there' - A clever pass that goes past more than one player, sending a sprinting forward clear on goal.

'Worth a go…WORTH A GO!' - First 3 words said jovially as a midfielder tries a pot-shot from 40 yards during a slow passage of play, second 3 words yelled at ear-busting volume as the shot zips into the top corner past the bemused keeper

'They only have themselves to blame/they will never learn' - Usually a disparaging Townsend comment, when defensive teams (often Italians) have stopped trying to score goals and focused on defence while leading a game - right before conceding in the last 5 minutes

World Cup 2010 - Part 2

Continuing our retrospective look at the shit punditry from World Cup 2010, I now present part 2 for your reading pleasure.

The closest it was going to get to being lifted by an African

'He's got no right to hit the ball from there' - Based on the view that players should only be allowed the shoot from certain areas of the pitch. Goals are often scored despite players having 'no right' to do so.

'He's hit it too well' - A powerful shot that is off target or aimed straight at the keeper. Often related to the follow up remark of 'He does everything right there' or 'if he scuffs it it goes in'

'He's always got that in his locker' - A brilliant piece of skill performed by a player that has been useless for an entire game. Previously used to describe David Beckham following another ineffectual performance

'Impossible angle' - A player shooting from an impossible angle often aims for a 'non-existant gap'. The impossiblity and non-existance of such angles and gaps rarely stops players from 'having a go'

'Just offside' - offside

'I don't think anyone knows whether he was offside or not with these rules' - Often coupled with the term 'phases of play'. Uttered by a commentator that doesn't understand the latest incarnation of the offside rule, making the assumption that no-one else does. Without fail, this will be followed by a harking to return the 'old rule'. Andy Townsend will nod sagely at this analysis.

'Laying down a marker/making a statement' - Always done 'early doors'. Describes a vicious tackle within the first couple of minutes that is meant to inform the opposition of what they can expect for the rest of the game

'The lottery of penalties' - Despite in-depth analysis by genii such as Hansen and Townsend, penalty shoot-outs are not a random sequence of events, and are usually won by the team that is better at penalties

'Samba football' - Only possible to be played by Brazil, until they are eliminated. It can then be played by any team that comes from a country hotter than England and 'likes to play football'

'Screamer' - A shot that travels fast. No-one screams

'Straight from the training ground' - The rare occasion where the months of hard work at training don't result in a free kick being blasted over or tamely cleared

'Tell you what' - A preface to an ill-informed opinion by Andy 'Tactics Truck' Townsend

'It's a great cross but no-ones there' - A nonsense sentence. Rather than blame the player that has needlessly pumped the ball into the mixer without looking, blame is instead placed on the other 10 teammates who aren't there. The same logic is never applied to 'it was a great pass, but his teammate was running in the other direction'

'Latin Temperament' - Used to describe a South American player that is sent off. The assumption being that latin players are all flair and no trousers. Latin temperament is never a positive trait

'He just needs to get something on that' - A 'no shit' remark following a player dramatically lunging at a cross but missing the ball. Only used when the ball is within 6 yards of the goal line

'We don't want to mention 1966 again' - Mentioned prior to, during and after all games involving England, any team that England may meet in the tournament or any team that happens to be playing on the same day as England. Also mentioned in response to that fucking annoying supporter's band playing the Great Escape for the hundreth time that minute

'Carnival atmosphere' - Created courtesy of the 'fantastic home fans'. Ignores the fact that the vuvuzelas sound like a cat being fed its own testicles while a stag dry humps it

'Great/Perennial underacheivers' - England/Holland/Previously Spain before they shat on everyone else

World Cup 2010 - Part 1

Well it's been a while, but let's get this blog going regularly now, shall we? Excellent.

Fucking SHUT UP!

Today we're going to have the first part of an archival look at commentating bullshit from the 2010 World Cup - I took extensive notes during the tournament, as the verbal chuff on display was of the highest quality. Part 1 is below.

This team likes to play football - A team that enjoys passing the ball. They need to be careful however, of not playing too much football

Early doors - Something that happens in the first few minutes of a game. Happening 'early' isn't descriptive enough of how early this really early thing is.

Good time to score - Usually just before or after half-time, when for some reason, goals must count double. Scoring early doors can be perceived as either good or bad.


Cristiano Ronaldo territory - A bit further back than David Beckham territory. Approx 40 yards from goal, where a player will blast the ball with all their might to see it float harmlessly over the crossbar

That's his bread and butter - Something simple that a player should do with no problems. Often heard after a fluffed clearance by a no-nonsense player, or a simple 2 metre tap-in from a goal hanger who contributes little else.

That's a clever booking. He's knows what he's doing - Only applicable to English defenders. A foul commited by a player safe in the knowledge that he won't get sent off

Cynical - The same as above, but committed by a dirty foreigner

Corridor of Uncertainty - Between the last line of defence and the goalkeeper where all involved are dumbstruck as to what to do

Cultured/Trusted left foot - Inapplicable to right feet. Often refers to a winger who can cross the ball without falling over or stubbing his toe

African sides are defenisvely naïve - Applied to any African team that loses a game

African sides are natural athletes - Applied to any African team in a psuedo-racist sense to explain that all africans can run forever. If not for their defensive and tactical naivity, African teams would rule the world

X is going past Y for fun - A player that repeatedly is able to run past the opposing player, presumably giggling and saying 'ole' as they do so

He's got great heart - He likes to kneecap the opponents with brutal challenges

Tremendous engine - A man that runs and runs but ultimately achieves very little